


and it's worth it, it's divine

by butterflylungs



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon Typical Violence, M/M, Soulmate AU, bad parent maryse, canon typical homophobia and discrimination, magnus' relationship with camille is talked about
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-15
Updated: 2017-12-15
Packaged: 2019-02-15 07:14:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13025946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/butterflylungs/pseuds/butterflylungs
Summary: Alec planned out his life, and his plan consists in being the best sibling, son and Shadowhunter he can. He hasn’t planned on meeting his soulmate. He hasn’t planned any of this.*In a world where soulmate bonds are believed to be the angels' will, Alec's life is disrupted when he meets Magnus Bane.





	and it's worth it, it's divine

**Author's Note:**

  * For [punkpixieprince](https://archiveofourown.org/users/punkpixieprince/gifts).



> Prompt: _"a soulmate AU but it's not about finding your soulmate, it's more about trying to manage your relationship once you've found them. like an arranged marriage but the person who arranged it was God. Magnus struggles with the fact that he's bonded to a mortal and a shadowhunter, Alec struggles with the fact that this ruins his life plan. but they make it work. (and fall in love.)"_
> 
> **NOTE:** This follows season 1 canon, but I left out some plot points that I felt didn't fit with the context of this fic.
> 
> I tried my best to stick to the prompt! This is the longest thing I've ever written, and it was definitely a challenge but I'm happy with the result, I hope my recipient likes it. 
> 
> Title is from 'Cherry Wine' by Hozier. Happy reading!

Alec never really liked the concept of soulmates. Ever since he was young, he found the idea of being predestined for someone scary: what if you don’t like your soulmate? What if they’re not right for you? His mother and father are soulmates, but he can see that something isn’t quite right in their relationship, and the more he grows older the more he notices the sourness between his parents. 

It’s something he can’t control. Something he can’t predict. He hates that, he always did. Izzy agrees with him, but not for the same reasons. She’s a free spirit, she doesn’t like the idea of being bound to someone else by some bigger entity. 

_“It’s not fair, Alec. We should be able to choose. We should be able to go out there and meet people, we should be able to experience love more than once with some person that the angels decided is your soulmate. It’s bullshit.”_

Alec can see her point, but for him it’s not that. His anxiety about his soulmate is something that he couldn’t explain when he was younger, it was just a feeling heavy in his gut, a vice around his chest that threatened to suffocate him everything the topic was brought up. _You can’t control it, that’s why it scares you_ , he used to tell himself, but deep down he has always known that it isn’t the whole truth.

It’s only when he gets older that he starts to understand, and it’s a long time before he can even admit it to himself.

What if his soulmate is a girl?

_What if it isn’t?_

*

There are rules, of course. There’s a system, because even _love_ has to be controlled by laws. You know your soulmate as soon as you touch them. Alec doesn’t know _how_ , but apparently you’re just supposed to know.

Soulmate bounds are something sacred, something special. It’s believed that they happen because of the angels’ will, so you are obliged to at least try to make it work with your soulmate, even though for most people that isn’t a problem. Usually soulmate bonds work. Usually they’re perfect. But there are people who don’t want to be bonded, people who just don’t fit together, people who aren’t right for each other.

There’s another option. You can break your soulmate bond, if you are able to prove that you tried to be in a relationship with your soulmate and it just didn’t work. But breaking a soulmate bond _hurts_ , and you aren’t able to have another soulmate after that. People who break their bond are frowned upon, as are people who date someone who isn’t their soulmate.

Alec doesn’t know what’s worse: being bonded with someone you don’t love or breaking your bond and living as an outcast. 

Izzy’s voice echoes in his head. _It’s not fair, Alec. It’s bullshit._

*

Alec’s life is an exercise in compartmentalization. He decides not to think about his soulmate until it comes down to it. He doesn’t think about his weird and confusing feeling for Jace, who isn’t his soulmate. He just focuses on work, on protecting his family, on being a good Shadowhunter, a good brother, a good son. He focuses on getting out of bed and going on with his life, ignoring the haunting thoughts in his head.

It works just fine, until a red-headed girl comes crashing down on their lives out of the blue and tears down every single carefully constructed piece of Alec’s existence. 

Suddenly they’re going on unsanctioned missions and Jace is acting even more recklessly than usual, then she turns out to be _Valentine’s daughter_ , and apparently he’s the only one who’s suspicious of that, because Jace and Izzy like her.

He’s pretty sure Jace found his soulmate. He feels a spark through the bond, something he he never felt before, and it happens right when Jace meets Clary. When he tries to bring it up with Jace though, he shuts down and refuses to talk about it.

In the span of a few days his life becomes a mess, and it all comes down to Clary. He wouldn’t be fighting with Jace if it wasn’t for her. They wouldn’t have lost the Institute’s necklace, now in the hands of Magnus Bane, they wouldn’t be looking for Jocelyn Fray or the Mortal Cup and his life would be still _normal_. Well, as normal as a Shadowhunter’s life could be, but at least it would be _this_. It wouldn’t be a _mess_.

_This is all her fault_ , he thinks bitterly as they track the warlock who erased Clary’s memories and fight off the Circle members who attacked his lair. Alec finds the warlock - Magnus Bane - in one of the rooms, dueling with a Circle member. His instincts kick in, and without a second thought he nocks an arrow and releases it, hitting his target while Magnus finishes him off with magic.

“Well done.” He mutters to Magnus’ back, glancing around the room and making sure they’re safe.

“More like medium rare,” is the reply. Magnus turns around and walks towards him. “I’m Magnus. I don’t think we’ve been formally introduced.”

It’s the first time Alec really looks at Magnus. He saw pictures, of course, but they don’t do justice to the man standing in front of him. He’s _gorgeous_. His stomach flips, and Alec tries to ignore it.

“Alec,” he says, unable to hold back a smile. His stomach clenches again and he panics. He has to get out of there. He feels like he’s going to make a fool of himself if he stays in Magnus’ presence any longer. “Um. We should really...probably get...um.” He stutters.

“Right. We should join the party.”

He smiles again. “Right.”

_What the hell is wrong with you?_ , he thinks to himself as he leaves the room in a hurry. It’s not like he’s never seen a good-looking man before. _Get a grip, get a grip_. 

*

Alec knows Magnus is flirting with him. He’s not an idiot, but he is awkward and uncomfortable and he doesn’t know how to respond, so he just keeps quiet and throws glances at him. His stomach has been in knots since he talked to Magnus, but he doesn’t want to acknowledge it. If he doesn’t, maybe it’s going to go away.

They spread in a circle around the drawing on the floor, ready to summon the memory demon Magnus fed Clary’s memories to. Alec’s nervous, something in him is telling him this isn’t a good idea. But what can he do? They need her memories to find Jocelyn and that goddamn Cup. 

“We must initiate a bond,” Magnus says, distracting Alec from his internal struggle. He’s weirdly aware of Magnus’ presence beside him, and he fidgets. “Once this bond is sealed, it cannot be broken until the demon retreats. No matter what happens, we must not let go of each other’s hands.”

Magnus extends a hand towards him, and they stare into each other’s eyes for a second. After hesitating, Alec forces his hand to move. As soon as their fingers touch, he feels something like electricity crackle between their skin. He startles when a loud booming noise resonates in his head. The energy between them intensifies, swelling to an almost unbearable level, and Alec cannot breathe, cannot move, can’t do anything.

As the bottom drops from his stomach, he realizes what’s happening with painful clarity.

He knows what it is. As soon as he touched Magnus, he knew. Maybe he knew since the moment he saw him. As he focuses on Magnus’ face again, he sees the same shock he’s feeling reflected in his eyes, and that just confirms it.

_Magnus Bane is his soulmate._

White noise fills Alec’s ears. What is he supposed to do? Their interaction lasts barely a second, even though it feels like centuries to Alec. He sees Magnus open his mouth to say something and panicking, he turns around and grabs Jace’s hand. Some part of him hopes that what he just felt is the force of the summoning bond, but nothing like that happens with Jace. 

He notices Izzy throwing him a weird look, and he just shakes his head. He can’t deal with this, especially not now. He needs to focus on summoning the demon. He needs to focus on this mission, and he’ll deal with everything else later. 

“I will lead the ceremony, and you all must do exactly as I say,” Magnus continues. Alec can hear his voice shaking slightly, and he forces himself to stay still, to not move. His hand is still in Magnus’, and he feels like the heat from Magnus’ palm is gonna spread to his arm and then swallow him whole. “The demon’s name his Valak, and at some point he will ask for payment in exchange for Clary’s memories.”

_Payment?_ That doesn’t sound good. Magnus starts the summoning, and suddenly there’s a swirling tornado of black in the middle of their circle. Alec squeezes Magnus’ hand almost involuntarily, trying not to let go and fuck up the ceremony. 

But he does. He fucks it up, because the payment is a memory of the one person they love the most, and of course Valak takes a memory of Jace. Alec, still reeling from finding out that Magnus is his soulmate, lets panic overtake him and breaks the bond, and Jace pays the price for it. 

As he looks at his parabatai coughing and gasping on the ground, he takes a step back, wondering how everything could have gone so wrong in just a few minutes. 

“There’s nothing to be ashamed of, Alec.” Magnus says as he passes him on his way out. He doesn’t know if he’s talking about _the thing_ between them or what just happened with Jace. If the memory Valak took didn’t give him away, his reaction surely did. 

The tension between their bodies is like an elastic band waiting to snap. Alec isn’t ready to address it. He’s not ready to address any of it.

He doesn’t have much of a choice. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” he said coldly. 

“You will.”

*

Someone knocks at his door, hours later. Alec is sitting on his bed, back against the headboard, staring into the darkness of his room. The sun set a while ago, but he hasn’t gotten up to turn the light on. He hasn’t moved at all.

_Magnus Bane is my soulmate. A guy. A warlock._

His hands are shaking slightly when he gets up and opens the door. Izzy is at the threshold.

“Hey, big brother,” she starts. “Can I come in?”

“Sure, yeah.” He moves reluctantly to let her in. Izzy turns on the lights for him, and he blinks in the sudden brightness of the room.

He loves his sister, he truly does, but he knows why she’s here and he’s scared. He’s scared, because he’s not ready to face what happened but at the same time he almost wants her to bring it up, he almost wants someone to force him to talk about it.

“So,” she drawls, sitting on the bed and looking up at him. “Why are you moping all alone in the dark?”

He shrugs. “‘M not. Just tired, I guess.” 

“Hm. Well, today was a lot. Demon summoning and all, you know.” 

Alec sighs. He leans against the wall, crossing his arms. “Izzy, just say what you want to say.” 

Izzy throws him a glance, taking in his posture, the tension running through his body. Her eyes soften suddenly, and she gets up to grab his arms gently.

“You know you can talk to me, right?” She says. Alec nods, his lips pressed tightly together. He’s struggling, internally. A part of him wants to just tell someone, he wants so badly to rid himself of the weight he’s been carrying around his whole life, the burden he chose to bear in silence. 

How much longer can he go on like this? He’s going to have to talk to Magnus, eventually. He can’t ignore this forever. His life is completely changed, and it’s never going to go back to the way it was before Clary, before everything. He thought...he hoped, once they found the Mortal Cup and Clary’s mother, that things would settle, that life would go back to the way it was or at least something close to it, but that’s not possible anymore.

It’s an hard truth to face. Alec planned out his life, and his plan consists in being the best sibling, son and Shadowhunter he can. He hasn’t planned on meeting his soulmate. He hasn’t planned any of this, because he silently prayed that he would never meet him. It’s rare, but it happens. Not to him, though. 

He always followed the law, sometimes to a fault, and now by law he has to acknowledge this bond. Maybe it would be easier to do it with Izzy first, with his sister, someone whom he trusts completely. 

“Izzy, I…” The words get stuck his throat. He swallows, breathing heavily. He feels like the air has been sucked out of the room.

“Is this about Jace and the memory Valak took? Alec, it’s okay...I’m not going to judge you, I love you. You’re my brother.”

“No, well...kind of.” He murmurs. He scratches the back of his neck and tries to take a deep breath. If he doesn’t do this now, he never will. “It’s about...Magnus. When we touched, Izzy…”

He doesn’t have to say another word. Izzy is smart, and he can see her put the pieces together in her head. The intense moment between them she witnessed, the way he acted afterwards and the way he’s acting now.

“Oh, Alec. You found _him_ , didn’t you? He’s your soulmate.”

Alec nods. He feels Izzy’s grip tighten almost painfully. 

“It’s gonna be oka-” 

Alec doesn’t give her a chance to finish. The feelings inside of him explode suddenly, and he slides out of her grip, putting distance between them.

“No, Izzy, how is it going to be okay? My soulmate, he’s Magnus Bane, he’s a guy, he’s a…a...”

“A Downworlder? A warlock?” Her voice is sharp now. “Really, Alec?”

“You know it’s not about that. I don’t care that he’s a Downworlder, but our parents do. Everyone else in this damn Institute does. How is this going to ever work? I’m a Shadowhunter, he probably hates me already! How are we going to be able to do this if...if we’re so different? It’s...it can’t work. It just can’t.”

Izzy sighs. “You have to at least try, Alec. You could break the bond if-”

“And what? Be an outcast? Yeah, that’s great. That’s really great.”

“Would have it been better if he’d been a girl? Or a Shadowhunter guy?”

Alec hesitates. _No_ , he thought. He would still be freaking out, probably. 

“Listen, big brother, you know I’m not a big fan of soulmates and of the whole system, but they do work most of the time. There’s a reason this guy is your soulmate. Maybe…maybe you should give up on your bond so quickly. He’s pretty cool, you know.”

She sits on the bed, and Alec follows suit, lowering himself down next to her, his elbows on his knees and his head bowed. Her words run through his mind.

“You always put the weight of the world on your shoulders, Alec. You always think about everyone else before yourself, and I love you for that, but sometimes you have to let go. I know everything seems a mess right now, but _what if_ , you know? What if this thing with Magnus could be something good? I think you owe it to yourself to try, at least. Maybe the angels saw something you don’t, not yet.”

She smiles sadly at him, and Alec huffs. “Weren’t you the one who said soulmates are bullshit? That they don’t get to decide for us?”

“Yeah, well. I don’t like seeing you miserable, and I think going against it wouldn’t be good for you. And I really like Magnus.”

“Yeah,” he mutters. “Yeah, I guess he’s...cool.”

She squeezes his shoulder. The moment lingers, and it’s a while before she speaks again.

“What about Jace?”

He stiffens. That’s another whole can of worms.

“What about him?”

“Well...are you going to tell him?”

Alec shrugs. He and Jace are...well, they’re kind of fighting right now. The fact that he still...feels something for him doesn’t make things easy. He can’t get into that right now, he’s already exhausted from telling Izzy about Magnus.

“He’s being a jerk.” 

“I know, but he loves you. You’re his parabatai, he probably already felt something through your bond.”

Yeah, he probably did. If things weren’t so tense between them it would’ve been Jace knocking at his door first. 

“Not now, Izzy. Just...not now. I need a little time.”

She lays her head against his shoulder. He finds comfort in that simple touch. 

“Take all the time you need.”

*

Alec doesn’t have much time to reflect on the Magnus situation any further, because his mother arrives at the Institute. He’s tasked with watching over the Fairchild girl, who, of course, manages to get away and put him in trouble. She and her mundane friend get themselves kidnapped by Circle members looking for the Cup, and while rescuing them their group witnesses Luke Garroway kill his alpha and become one.

Alec overhears Jace and Clary talk about taking Luke to Magnus’, as the werewolf seems to be badly hurt. Alec’s stomach clenches at the mention of Magnus’ name, and he grabs Jace’s arm urgently. They still haven’t talked about everything that happened between them, mostly because Alec is doing his best to avoid the conversation despite Jace’s various attempts.

“We need to get Clary back to the Institute,” he hisses. “And stay out of the Downworld’s business.”

“Why don’t you stay out of it? I’m going to help Clary.”

Alec watches them, frustrated, as they get Luke into a car and leave, heading for Magnus’ place.

*

He calls Jace shortly after. Maryse and Robert aren’t happy that he and Izzy got back to the Institute without Clary.

“Jace, you need to bring Clary back here.” He says, walking down the corridor nervously.

“No, we need you here.”

“What?” 

“It’s Magnus. He needs your energy or something to help save Luke’s life, you need to get here right now.”

He tries to keep a steady grip on the phone, his mind going blank. What does Magnus need him for? Can’t he use Jace?

“I told you, no more Downworld business, we can’t be implicated in an alpha dispute.” 

“That’s bullshit, Alec. You and I both know the real reason you don’t want to come here. I felt it through the parabatai bond, you know. You can avoid me all you want, but you can’t avoid this, and you can’t avoid it at the expense of Luke’s life!”

“Get off your high horse, Jace. It’s not like you’ve been very forthcoming about your soulmate, either.” He replies, angered by Jace’s hypocrisy.

He hears his parabatai sigh on the other end of the line.

“You’re right. Listen, we’ll talk, I’ll apologize and we’ll fix it, but right now, Magnus needs you. Luke needs you. Don’t do this, man. We need your help.”

Before he can reply, he hears his mother call sharply his name. 

“Alexander. A word, please.”

He turns around and sees her standing at the end of the hallway, her face tight and severe.

“I..I have to go, I’m sorry.” He ends the call before Jace can protest. He follows his mother into the room, closing the door behind him.

He stands in front of her, his arms behind his back, his muscles tense. He knows he won’t like this conversation. He didn’t really have a chance to talk to her until now, and with the current situation, he figures she’s not very happy with him.

“How could this happen, Alec? I left you in charge and I trusted you to do a good job! Instead, I come back here and everything is a mess! The Fairchild girl is gone and the Circle is after the Cup! Did we not raise you to do this job? To be a leader, and a responsible one? Was it a waste of our time?”

“Mother…” He tries to interfere, her words stinging sharply. Since he was young, he always tried so hard. Tried to be good. Good enough for her. For his father.

He failed. 

“No, Alexander, you have disappointed me greatly. You have disappointed the Lightwood name. Honestly, I’m beginning to wonder why I trusted you with this in the first place. You clearly aren’t ready.”

His gut churns. The words _not good enough_ echo in his head, but with that comes also another feeling: anger. He’s angry at her words, at her disappointment. He tries his best to make her proud, always, and everytime he seems to hit a wall. For years, he’s been chasing after an impossible standard that he never seems to meet no matter how much effort he puts in it, how much he sacrifices, how much of himself he locks away. 

He can’t control others, as much as she wants him to. He tried to manage the situation as best as he could, but if Jace and Clary don’t listen to him, what can he do? Tie them to a chair and lock them in their rooms?

“We clearly cannot trust you with this task. We can’t afford you failing one more time. We’ll send someone else to fetch Clary Fairchild, and I’ll have to consider your position here at the Institute. You’re dismissed for now.”

Alec can’t open his mouth. Maryse stares intently at him, waiting for a response. He trembles with the effort of keeping everything in. The words he wants to say but can’t taste bitter on his tongue.

“I’ll leave you to it, then.” He manages to bite out eventually. He leaves the room and heads for the gym, needing a place where he can let out the frustration.

*

Izzy finds him a while later. He’s punching a bag rhythmically, lost in the routine and relishing in the burn of his muscles.

“What happened?” She asks, frowning. She knows there’s something wrong, of course. She always knows.

He punches the bag one more time before stopping, breathing heavily. He wipes sweat from his forehead, his mother’s words still etched in his brain.

“Had a conversation with mother. She wasn’t pleased with me.” He replies, vague. He grabs a water bottle and takes a sip, needing something to keep his hands occupied.

“Well, I know more than anyone what that feels like. You wanna talk about it? Or do you just...want to keep taking it out on that bag?”

He smiles bitterly and huffs. The bubble of white-hot anger in his chest feels dangerously on the brink of exploding, and the words just burst out of him.

“I did everything, you know? I did everything I could, and it’s still not enough. It’s never going to be enough, is it? I mean...when she left me in charge of the Institute, I thought I finally did it. I finally made her proud of me. But I was wrong. She was just waiting for me to mess up just so she could...I don’t know,” he shakes his head and sighs. “And she doesn’t even know about Magnus.”

“Do you want to to tell her?”

“I mean, what am I going to say? _Hey Mom, I met my soulmate and guess what, he’s the High Warlock of Brooklyn?_ You know she wants me to bond with some girl with a respectable Shadowhunter name so she can marry us off and get a political alliance. It’s just gonna be another expectation I didn’t live up to.”

“Alec...you have no control over that.” Izzy says softly. 

“No, I don’t. That’s the problem, isn’t it?” He chuckles without humor. “You know what? Screw this. Screw all of this.”

He takes off the wrapping around his knucles and throws it on the floor, alight with new determination. He’s going to have to face Magnus eventually. He might as well do it now, when the grip that his family’s expectations have on him has loosened slightly.

“Hey, where are you going?” Izzy calls after him. Alec hurries down the stairs and doesn’t reply.

He gets to Magnus’ loft in record time, and when he runs in he sees Luke on the couch, Magnus kneeling over him with streams of blue magic pouring from his hands. He sees him waver and he hurries to Magnus’ side, dropping on his knees and catching him by the shoulder as Magnus begins to fall backwards.

“Help me. I need your strength.” Magnus pleads, raising one hand. Alec hesitates, but he steadies himself and grabs Magnus’ hand. A spark travels up his arm and tingles down his spine. As Magnus’ magic connects to his energy, he feels a pulling sensation. It’s not unpleasant, it’s not forceful; Alec gives into it, letting Magnus tap into his strength. 

“Take what you need.” He says, and with their conjoined effort they manage to save Luke. When it’s all over, Magnus rests his weight on his chest and Alec feels a surge of protectiveness for him.

“You okay?” He asks, concerned. Magnus nods, Alec doesn’t say anything, and he lets himself savour, for one terrifying and endless moment, the feeling of Magnus’ body against his.

*

He doesn’t leave, because he doesn’t really want to. Instead he starts to clean the mess, a mundane task to keep his mind off the fact that Magnus is just in the other room, tending to Luke. He feels more than he hears Magnus come back, and he focuses really hard on cleaning the couch.

“I have magic for that, you know.” Magnus tells him. He has his back to Alec and it seems that he’s making drinks.

Alec gets up and shrugs, even though Magnus can’t see him. “I think you’ve used enough magic for one day, and I don’t mind helping.”

“How lovely of you,” Magnus’ voice is neutral, and Alec doesn’t know if he’s making fun of him or if he really means it. “Do you want a drink?”

He takes the cocktail he’s being offered, but he just fidgets with the stem of the glass instead of taking a drink. The weight of what they’re not talking about is heavy between them, but Alec doesn’t really know how to bring it up. He goes with the only approach he knows, which is to be uncomfortably blunt.

“So, we’re soulmates.”

Magnus takes a sip of his drink and raises an eyebrow, looking surprised.

“I guess we are. Though I must admit, I didn’t expect you to bring it up so soon...or ever, really. You didn’t seem very thrilled the other day, and I haven’t heard back from you. I tried calling, you know. You never picked up.”

Alec frowns. He starts to protest, but then he remembers a call he got just before Clary ran off on him. The number was unknown; he didn’t have time to pick up because he had to handle the Clary situation, and with everything else he just forgot.

“Oh. I’m sorry, it’s been...chaotic at the Institute. I didn’t mean to ignore you.”

“It’s quite alright, darling, but I appreciate your apology.” Magnus smiles and walks closer to him. Alec stares unblinkingly for a second, mesmerized by the elegance of his movements, and then averts his eyes, realizing he’s probably being creepy. He feels out of his depth here, with Magnus. 

He’s simultaneously captivated and confused by the man in front of him, and it’s a feeling he doesn’t quite know how to handle. Not that he’s ever been able to handle any kind of feeling at all.

“So, um,” he says sharply, setting down his untouched glass and crossing his arms behind his back. “Should we talk about this? About what we’re going to do?”

Magnus shrugs. “If you want to. Where’s the fun in that, though?”

Alec opens his mouth a couple of times, taken aback, and Magnus must pick up on his disconcert, because his eyes soften and he smiles gently at him.

“Listen, Alexander, you seem to be really uncomfortable and I think soulmate talk is just going to make that worse. Why don’t we just...have a drink and chat? Get to know each other a bit? I’m quite...interested in you, and I was even before we found out what we are.”

“Why?” Alec blurts out. Why would Magnus be interested in him? There’s nothing about him that’s _interesting_ , he’s not brave and arrogant like Jace and he’s not flirty and charming like Izzy. 

“I don’t know, there’s just something about you,” is the reply, which really doesn’t explain anything. But Magnus said they can just drink and talk, and that...that’s something Alec wants to do, he realizes. He finds Magnus interesting as well, and he could do with a drink, probably. 

“Okay, yeah, we can do that.” He picks up his cocktail again and smiles at Magnus. He takes a sip and his smile turns into a wince. He hears Magnus laugh.

“Not a big fan of cocktails?”

“Not a big fan of alcohol in general.” 

“There’s time to change that,” Magnus sits on the newly cleaned couch and Alec follows suit, keeping a respectful distance and trying to relax his stiff stance. He doesn’t want Magnus to think he doesn’t want to be there, but he’s still bewildered at the situation. “So, tell me about yourself, Alexander Lightwood.”

They spend the next several hours sitting on that couch, getting to know each other. Alec is not a big talker, so he mostly lets Magnus talk and listens, offering comments and observations every now and then. Magnus doesn’t seem to mind that he’s quiet, and he simply keeps talking and refilling their glasses, although they switch to non-alcoholic drinks after a while.

Magnus is definitely charming. He has a lot of stories to tell, being an immortal warlock, but it’s his personality and the way he talks and tells his stories that have Alec fascinated by him. He’s never quite met someone like Magnus. He thinks he never will again.

Though it was his intention to go back to the Institute at some point, Alec ends up spending the night at Magnus’. He doesn’t remember closing his eyes and drifting off to sleep, but he must have at some point because the next thing he knows, he’s waking up on Magnus’ couch, his sleep disturbed by the light coming through the curtains and shining directly into his eyes. 

He groans and rubs his eyes, sitting up. Magnus doesn’t seem to be around. He’s surprised that he was comfortable enough in his presence to fall asleep. He checks his phone and finds a few messages from Izzy and Jace.

_Izzy: Hey bro, where are you? Jace said you went to Magnus’ place, are you coming back here?_

_Izzy: Are you spending the night there because it’s pretty late now_

_Izzy: I guess you are ;) Have fun_

_Izzy: I’m covering for you with mom btw you’re welcome_

_Jace: hey where are u_

_Jace: hit me up when you come back to the Institute we gotta talk_

He sighs. He needs to go back. He slept in, and he’s already later than he would have liked.

“Magnus?” He calls, getting up. Their glasses are still sitting where they left them, and the room is bathed in the soft morning light. He notices there’s a duvet at the foot of the couch that he must’ve kicked off in his sleep and that definitely wasn’t there before he fell asleep.

His heart squeezes at the thought of Magnus doing that for him. It’s such a small gesture, but it’s what makes Alec really think about what happened: he spent the night at Magnus’ place, they talked the entire evening and it was _nice_. Alec had fun, and he really liked Magnus. He liked talking to him and listening to his voice and clearly he felt comfortable enough to fall asleep there. And Magnus let him. He didn’t wake him up, he covered him with a blanket to make sure he wasn’t cold.

He wouldn’t mind doing this again. And that’s the problem. When he came here last night, he was riding on anger and determination, and after that he was taken by Magnus’ natural charm and now that he’s calmed down and that he’s alone, the rational part of his brain is taking over and reality is hitting him like a ton of bricks. 

He still has his mother to deal with. Clary. The Institute. Jace. And now there’s Magnus, and god, he almost wishes Magnus was unlikeable. He almost wishes he didn’t feel his heart skip a beat when he looks at him, he wishes his soulmate wasn’t so goddamn fascinating. He really doesn’t know what to do with all of this, and he just needs to get out of the loft and clear his head a little.

Of course Magnus chooses to walk into the room in the middle of Alec’s internal crisis.

“Good morning. Would you like some breakfast? I can conjure up anything you want, but if you want a suggestion, there’s this really nice cafè down the street that has lovely food,” Magnus stops in his tracks when he gets a good look at Alec’s face. “Everything okay, darling? You look a little...shaken.”

“I-I have to go, I’m sorry. The Institute...I shouldn’t have stayed the night, I’m late.”

He grabs his jacket and puts it on hurriedly, heading towards the door. His mind is focused on just getting out before his freak out gets any worse. He thinks Magnus is going to let it go and just let him leave, but Alec stops when he hears Magnus speak.

“Alexander,” his voice is stripped of any pretense and frill, and that’s what makes Alec freeze and turn around. “Let’s do this again sometime, huh?”

There’s a vulnerable quality to Magnus’ face that makes Alec’s stomach fill with guilt. He’s been so focused on how difficult this is for him that he’s never really stopped to think that he’s not the only one involved in this bond. That Magnus is probably just as shocked by the fact that he’s bonded to someone so different from him, and that Magnus is trying. Is it fair of him to just run off with no explanation after what happened last night?  
“I do have to go, I’m sorry. I’ll call you, alright?” He murmurs. He can’t give Magnus much, but he can give him this: the reassurance that he won’t disappear.

_I’m doing my best_ , he thinks, and maybe Magnus can hear the unspoken promise in his words because his shoulders relax and he smiles.

“I’m holding you to that, Shadowhunter.”

Magnus’ voice echoes in Alec’s head all the way back to the Institute.

*

Izzy corners him as soon as he steps foot inside the Institute. 

“So...how did last night go?” She smiles at him and her voice is full of implications. Alec rolls his eyes and keeps walking.

“It was fine. We talked.”

“Just talked?”

“Yes, Izzy.”

“You must have had a lot to say, since you were there all night.”

He sighs. “I fell asleep. Are we done with the third degree? I need to shower and change.” His tone is void of any real bite. He’s cranky and annoyed and scared, but underneath all of that there’s warmth in the space behind his ribs. It’s like there’s a trace of Magnus’ presence still around him. 

“Alright, but you can’t avoid me forever,” Izzy concedes, picking up a tablet and starting to run check-ups on the city’s activity. Her eyes are focused on the screen, but she’s still not done with the conversation. “And you can’t avoid Jace either. He wants to talk to you, and I think it’s important. I’ve never seen him look that serious.”

“Yeah, I’ll talk to him. See you later.” 

He goes into his room and takes a shower, tilting his head back under the spray and letting the hot water hit his body. Every single thought running through his head is about Magnus and last night, and everything that could come from this, good or bad. How much does he stand to lose? How much does he stand to _gain_?

All he knows is that there’s no way he can run from this. All he can do is...see how it goes and make decisions from there. He’s starting to get an headache from all the thinking and it’s not even noon, so he shakes his head and decides to focus on his job for a few hours. 

After he talks to Jace, of course.

He finds him in the training room, holding two battle axes and looking away from him. He coughs to make his presence known and Jace turns around, lowering his arms.

“Hey.” Alec greets him. Jace puts down the axes and grabs a water bottle, walking towards him.

“Hey, man. You’re back, finally. How did it go?”

Alec shrugs. “I don’t know. It was fine. He’s...well, he’s Magnus.”

Jace hums, taking a sip of water. “Well, you were there a long time so it must have been more than fine.”

He doesn’t really want to talk about it right now. He hasn’t figured out this whole thing himself, and he surely can’t make sense of it to someone else. “You wanted to talk?” He says, moving on from the topic of his soulmate.

Jace, thankfully, doesn’t point that out and he goes along with it. “Yeah, I did. Listen, man...I don’t like fighting with you, you know that. These past few days, they’ve been really hard. I feel like I’m not on steady ground anymore, and it’s because we’re not on the same page.”

“You haven’t made it easy. I mean, going on unsanctioned missions, running off with Clary...you put me in a shitty position, both of you. I am the acting Head of this Institute, and when you start doing all these things...it reflects badly on me.”

Jace sighs, running a hand through his hair. At least he looks remorseful. “You’re right. I know you’re right, and I’m sorry. I never meant to make things hard for you, or hurt you. I was just doing what I thought was right. Can you understand that?”

Alec huffs, and looks away. “I understand why you’re so hell bent on helping Clary. She’s your soulmate, so it makes sense you would do that. But I don’t like it. And I don’t like her.”

Jace’s face turns stormy at his words, and Alec frowns. Jace suddenly seems very uncomfortable, and he’s silent for a few moments. He looks like he’s struggling to get the words out, opening his mouth a couple of times before choosing not to speak at all. Alec doesn’t really get why he’s so weird about Clary being his soulmate.

“Jace, I felt it through our bond just like you felt when it happened to me. You don’t have to keep being so secretive abo-”

“You’re wrong.”

“Excuse me?”

“I’m not helping Clary because she’s my soulmate. I’m helping her because I think it’s the right thing to do, because she’s just a girl looking for her mother who got caught up in the huge mess that is the Shadow World, and I didn’t mind breaking a few rules to do what I thought was right for a girl who needed help. I hurt you in the process and I’m sorry for that, but I didn’t do it because she’s my soulmate.”

“Alright,” Alec drawls out, feeling like he’s missing something important in this conversation. “So you did it because you thought it was the right thing to do for the girl you’re bonded to.” 

“No, Alec, damn it! You’re missing my point here.” Jace exhales loudly and starts pacing nervously in front of him. Alec is about to ask him what the hell is going on when he suddenly stops and faces him again.

“Clary is not my soulmate.”

Alec is taken aback. “She’s not...but I felt it, the same night you brought her here, I felt…” He trails off. If Clary isn’t Jace’s soulmate, then who…?

“You didn’t feel my bond to Clary. Listen...when I brought her here, I touched her skin and nothing happened.”

“Who’s your soulmate, then?”

“I didn’t just meet Clary that night, Alec.”

It’s then that it clicks. 

“ _Simon?_ ” He almost yells. “The _mundane_ is your soulmate?”

“Well, you don’t have to say it like that, you know.” Jace rubs a hand over his face. Alec truly doesn’t know what to say. His parabatai always manages to surprise him, somehow.

“How...you can barely stand each other!”

“Yeah, it hasn’t been easy. Honestly, I don’t think he likes the idea of being bonded to me very much. He thinks I’m the entire reason Clary is in trouble, as if this wouldn’t have caught up with her even if she hadn’t met me,” Jace huffs in annoyance. “I guess soulmate bonds are less valued in the mundane world, or something. I don’t know, but he gave me this whole speech about being free to choose who he loves and he’s not even giving me a chance at all and it’s getting on my nerves. He’s getting on my nerves.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? Does Izzy know?”

“No, no one knows. I wanted to tell you, but...things weren’t the best between us, and it was a shock for me, you know. Being bonded to a guy. A mundane. But I figured I would have to come clear about it, eventually, and then you bonded with Magnus, and well...I realized I can’t call bullshit on how you choose to handle your bond when I’m lying about mine. So...yeah. I’m bonded to Simon. It’s great. We can barely talk without fighting and somehow I’m still attracted to him.”

Alec cringes. “Please never say that to me again.” God, this whole thing is insane. He feels dizzy with all the information he’s had to absorb in the past few minutes.

That gets him an embarrassed smile from Jace. “Sorry, man. Are we okay then?”

“Yeah,” he sighs. “I’m still kind of mad, but yeah. I know I’m asking the impossible, but try to cause less trouble, alright?”

“I’ll try.”

Alec gives him a skeptical look. 

“Have a little faith, dude.” 

Alec finally cracks a smile and Jace pats his shoulder; the tension between them that’s been present for days lessens a bit and Alec already feels more at ease. He never realizes the strain that being in a fight with Jace puts on him until it’s gone.

“So you were really just helping Clary out of the goodness of your heart? Huh.” Alec says eventually.

“Yeah. Well...I kind of wanted to impress Simon too, or something. I thought helping his friend would make me look good in his eyes, but it just made him more annoyed at me so it kind of backfired.”

“You don’t say.”

“Oh, shut up.”

*

They finally retrieve the Cup a couple of days later; the same day, Alec decides to text Magnus. When they’re back at the Institute, he sits on the bed and fiddles with his phone for a few moments. He hasn’t heard from Magnus since he left the loft that morning, and he hasn’t called even though he said he would. He’s been busy, but he’s also been thinking about his situation.

He’s been dodging his mother and her cold looks of disappointment. He doesn’t know yet what she’s decided in regards of his position, maybe retrieving the Cup changed her mind. Maybe it hasn’t. He thinks about Izzy’s words.

_“What if this thing with Magnus could be something good? I think you owe it to yourself to try, at least.”_

Has he ever done something for himself? He feels like his whole life, he’s been going against himself. Against what he wants. What he feels.

He wants to see Magnus again. He wants to call him. It doesn’t have to mean anything yet, this thing between them, it can just be two people meeting up for drinks and trying to figure each other out. He can do that. 

He feels too nervous to actually call, not trusting his voice at the moment, so he pulls up Magnus’ number and sends a text instead.

_To Magnus: Hi. It’s Alec. Are you free tonight?_

_Magnus: For you, darling, always. My place?_

Alec agrees, and after half an hour spent pacing nervously in his room he makes his way to Magnus’ loft. The walk clears his head a little, and he’s relatively calmer when he gets there. There’s still a tightness in his chest that only gets more intense and warm when Magnus opens the door and greets him with a smile, but it’s not really anxiety as much as...anticipation, maybe.

“Hi. Can I come in?” He asks politely, his voice steadier than he actually feels. Magnus nods and opens the door wider to let him in. 

The last time he saw the loft, it was suffused in warm sunlight; now it’s dark outside, and the room is bathed in soft artificial light, the curtains drawn to reveal the night sky and the outline of Brooklyn in the distance. He didn’t notice these details the first night he spent there, lost in his own head while he was cleaning and then distracted by Magnus’ presence.

“I’m glad you called. Well, texted. Drink?” Magnus’ voice brings his attention back to the man standing in the room with him, and he nods silently. He still has to find his ground with Magnus. 

“Sorry it took so long. I’ve been busy. Missions.” He explains himself, taking the glass full of clear liquid Magnus offers him. He scrutinizes it for a second before taking a sip and then wincing at the strong flavor. 

“It’s alright, I’ve been busy myself. Clients can be quite demanding.” 

They sit down on the couch, mirroring their positions the other night, and they talk for a while about silly things, like Magnus’ clients and their bizarre requests, sharing a few smiles and laughs. It takes Alec’s mind off everything, and the atmosphere is relaxed, until they reach a lull in the conversation and the air between them thickens with magnetic tension. They look at each other silently, and for a few moments Alec gets lost in the lines of Magnus’ face, his warm brown eyes heavy with eyeliner, his cheekbones, his mouth. The only sounds he hears are his own breathing and Magnus’, and he’s very aware of the small space between their bodies. He doesn’t know if he wants to lean forward or away.

Alec realizes he’s staring and averts his eyes with a jolt in his chest. The silence between them turns into an awkward one, and from the corner of his eyes he sees Magnus fiddling with his earring before sighing and putting his glass down.

“Alexander, I know we said we would get to know each other before talking about the bond, but I feel like I have to clarify something.”

“Okay. What is it?” Alec says slowly.

“You are not forced to be here. I want to make that clear. I know what the law says. But I’m not the law, and I won’t force you into something you don’t want. Especially considering your...situation.”

“Do you mean considering that I’m not…” Alec swallows. “That I’m not out? Or because I’m a Shadowhunter?”

Magnus seems to ponder his words before replying. “Both, I guess. I’m not going to lie to you, Alec. I’m not fond of Shadowhunters, and I’ve lived for centuries, so I’ve met a few Lightwoods, including your parents. But I can see that you’re different, and I won’t hold your parents’ ideas against you. I do like you, Alexander, and not just because we’re bonded. I like _you_ , not the bond. I want to make sure that _this_ ,” Magnus gestures between them. “is not happening because you feel obliged by the law or by the angels to be here. You seem a man who likes to follow the rules, so I hope you can understand my concern.”

Alec nods, digesting what Magnus just said. 

“I wanted to see you again,” he says, a confession torn from deep within him. “I’ve been trained to follow the rules, and it’s what I do, but I’m not here because of that. If it was just about following the law, I would have stayed that day, when we found out. But I didn’t, I left because it scared me. And then I came back because I wanted to...I wanted to see what this could be.”

He thinks it’s the most he’s revealed of himself to Magnus. He feels raw with it, and he presses his lips together as if to keep more words from coming out. 

“This doesn’t have to be anything you and I don’t want to. I believe in soulmates, because I’ve seen many, many people find happiness in their bonds, but I also believe in free will. We make our own rules, alright? The angels may have arranged this, but we decide how to handle it.”

“Yeah. Alright.” Alec taps his fingers against the empty glass in his hand. “I told my sister. Jace knows because of our parabatai bond. My parents...don’t know anything. I’m not ready for that.”

“That’s okay, Alec. You don’t have to tell anyone until you’re ready. I don’t care.”

“I wish it wasn’t this hard.” Alec bites out after a few seconds, frustrated. He’s stuck in the middle of what he wants and what his family expects from him, and it’s a shitty place to be.

He sees what his life was supposed to be like, what his parents want his life to be like: a girl with a respectable name beside him, leading the New York Institute. It’s all shattered now, because if he has to be honest with himself it was never going to be a girl with him, and his career is on the line as well.

It’s bitter, to see everything you worked for crumble around you so quickly, and it’s confusing to have the slightest chance at happiness at the cost of your carefully built life. He doesn’t know how to make that sacrifice, but Magnus isn’t asking him to. He’s giving him a choice, an out he could take. He probably wouldn’t have to tell anyone, if they chose to break the bond. But, selfishly, he doesn’t want to give this up. Magnus makes him feel something he’s never had, a sense of safety, a bubble where he can be something he’s never allowed himself to be: warm, light, _himself_.

“Nothing ever comes easy, love, especially in our world.” Magnus’ voice breaks through his thoughts. Alec smiles bitterly, but doesn’t immediately offer a response. He feels torn open, and he doesn’t think he can give up more vulnerability at the moment. 

Magnus seems to get that, because he lets the topic go, satisfied to know that at least Alec isn’t doing this out of a sense of obligation. 

“Thank you for being honest, Alec. I appreciate that.” He gets up and swirls around, playing with his rings. “What do you say we order dinner? Have you eaten yet?”

“Dinner sounds good.”

“Great. There’s a really good Italian place I know, I hope you like Italian food. I could just summon it, but I don’t want to give the impression that I’m a thief.” He smiles coyly at Alec and starts towards the kitchen. 

“And I have to tell you this great story about Peru, by the way, I can’t believe I forgot..” Magnus keeps talking, his voice fading slightly as he walks further away from him. Alec smiles and gets up to follow him, wondering about Peru and the impossibility of someone like Magnus being fascinated by him.

*

Maryse catches up with him as he’s going to the command centre.

“They’re sending an envoy from the Clave.”

“What? Why?”

“Because the Lightwoods have been deemed unfit to run this Institute. Your shortcomings put all of us in question.”

Alec clenches his jaw. _I’m a failure_ , he thinks but doesn’t say. 

“I thought they’d just give the Institute back to you and Dad.”

A strange shadow passes over his mother’s eyes, but it’s gone too soon for him to say anything. “We were the ones who put you in charge, so we all pay the price. We have the Cup now, and the Clave isn’t willing to risk it. The envoy is going to take over the Institute temporarily and evaluate us, so be on your best behaviour, please.”

He wonders if his mother would consider seeing Magnus as _‘being on his best behaviour’_. Probably not, but it’s not as if he’s breaking the law. If anything, he’s following it.

“When are they getting here?” He asks, as they get to the command centre. His mother’s eyes focus on something on the other side of the room, and Alec follows her cold gaze to a blonde girl he’s never seen before dressed smartly and talking in a serious tone to Isabelle and a few other Shadowhunters.

“I think she’s already here.”

Her name is Lydia Branwell. She and Alec are sent together the retrieve a corpse from the Hunter’s Moon, someone who attacked the werewolves and got killed by them in defense. Alec rarely likes anyone, but she seems intelligent and determined, with a liking for the rules, and Alec begrudgingly admires her. 

Back at the Institute, they look over the body in the autopsy room, while Izzy runs tests in the lab. 

“We need to make sure no magic was used to make this. I’m calling in the nearest High Warlock for a consult.”

Alec coughs. “Magnus Bane? To come here at the Institute?” His attempt to keep his voice neutral must not go very well, because Lydia looks up confused.

“Is there a problem?”

“No, no. Magnus is…” Where is he going with this? “He’s magical. He’s, um, very good at magic.” He blurts out.

He’s _magical_. While Alec might think that, he could have thought something else to say. Why is he even nervous at all? He should not be this affected by the idea of Magnus being here in the Institute, in his world. He feels like two parts of his life are bleeding into each other.

“I’m sure he is.” Lydia agrees slowly, looking puzzled by his behaviour. Thankfully, she drops it. 

“Luke Garroway thinks he was the target of the attack, that Valentine might be targeting former Circle members. We’ll have to put extra wards on the Institute.” She continues, her eyes running over the body on the metal table.

Alec hums his assent. “For Hodge, yeah.”

“And your parents.”

Alec looks up sharply, her words ringing in his ears. _His parents?_

His shock must show on his face, because Lydia looks at him with remorse in her eyes. “Oh. You didn’t know?”

“No. No, I didn’t:”

His parents were in the Circle. They worked with Valentine, the biggest evil the Shadow World has ever known, and they have the nerve to say he’s the disappointment. Now he gets why the Clave sent an envoy and why they don’t trust his family to run the Institute while they are in possession of the Cup. It’s because of his parents. They’re the ones who tarnished the Lightwood name.

“Alec, I’m sor-”

“I have to go. You and Izzy can handle this, just let me know the results.” He interrupts her. He doesn’t give her time to reply before he hurries out of the room, feeling like the walls are closing in on him. 

He goes to the gym instead, because it’s the only place where he can sweat out his anger and frustration. Hodge is there, but Alec doesn’t really want to talk, all he wants is to fight and focus on the motions of combat until his limbs are numb. 

They get attacked by what turns out to be a Forsaken, the same thing that attacked Luke, and Alec gets hurt. Izzy gets there a few seconds too late, having just figured out for herself what exactly the thing on her metal table actually is.

She bandages up his arm after healing the worst of the wound with an healing rune. He’s on his way to his room when he accidentally runs into Magnus. 

“Oh. Hi.” He greets him awkwardly. Between his parents being in the Circle and the Forsaken attack, he forgot that Magnus was supposed to come here. He looks around quickly, but no one is paying attention to them and it’s not like he’s forbidden from talking to Magnus. He’s just...on edge. It’s stupid, but he fears that someone might figure out they’re soulmates just by looking at them.

“Alexander, are you hurt?” Magnus’ eyes go straight to his arm and his voice sounds concerned. He’s wearing a tank top, and his bandaged bicep is on full display.

Alec doesn’t know what to do with Magnus’ concern, because it warms him but makes him uncomfortable at the same time. Every proof of Magnus caring about him is something that he doesn’t really seem able to cope with.

“A Forsaken got into the Institute. I’m fine, it’s nothing.” He tries to reassure him. He’s honestly alright, he doesn’t need anyone fussing over him. Magnus doesn’t seem convinced though, and he gently grabs his arm. 

It feels like fireworks going off under his skin, and he doubts it’s from Magnus’ magic or the wound. It’s almost too much, and he shifts slightly, not enough to dislodge Magnus’ hand.

“I can heal it, if you let me.”

Magnus’ eyes are so, so gentle and his touch so caring, and Alec can’t make sense of it, especially in light of the new information he learned. Magnus must know about his parents, and he’s still here, he still likes him, he’s offering to use his magic for him, and how can he do that? 

How can he even stand to look at him, knowing what his parents did and what ideals they stood for? Magnus said he won’t hold his parents’ ideas against him, but how can he not see their shadow in his face, in his features, in his name? They were in the goddamn Circle, they were part of something that wanted to wipe out the Downworld. 

Alec shakes his head, troubled. “No, you’re here to strengthen the wards. Don’t waste your magic on me.”

“Really, it’s not problem.” Magnus insists.

Before he can reply, Lydia interrupts them.

“Magnus Bane? Hi, I’m Lydia Branwell, thank you for coming.”

Magnus takes his hand away from his arm and instead shakes Lydia’s. Alec takes advantage of the distraction and he walks around them.

“I have to go, I…” He wants to say _I’ll talk to you_ to Magnus, but Lydia is there and he doesn’t know what she would make of it. He just ends up trailing off and saying goodbye awkwardly before he leaves.

He doesn’t get much time alone, because Magnus knocks at his door half an hour later. He lets him in, standing instead of going back to sit on his bed. He’s too agitated for that.

It’s weird, seeing Magnus in his room, everything about him standing out against his dark furniture. He doesn’t seem to fit in the blandness of the room, but he doesn’t look uncomfortable, his eyes running over the walls and the desk, lacking of any personal decoration except a picture of his siblings. 

“Do you need something?” He asks, maybe rudely. 

“No, I just wanted to see you. You seemed weird, earlier. Is the injury bothering you?”

Alec touches his arm lightly, everything now covered by a hoodie. He’s barely thinking about the fact that it hurts. He’s used to physical pain, he’s a Shadowhunter and getting hurt is a part of job. 

“No, I told you, my arm is fine.” He reassures him again. “Did things go alright with the wards?”

 

“You won’t have anymore breaches.” Magnus fiddles with his earcuff, still looking dubious. “I can tell something is bothering you. You look troubled. Obviously, you don’t have to talk to me, but I’m concerned.”

Alec huffs, rubbing a hand through his hair. “Why? Why are you concerned?”

“What do you mean? I’m concerned because I care.”

“Are you.” Alec says flatly. “You’re concerned about the son of two former Circle members.” 

Magnus freezes, clearly taken by surprise by Alec’s words. It’s probably not what he expected to hear.

“Yeah, I found out today. They hid it from me. They were ashamed, probably, and they should be. But you know, right? You must know, you’re the High Warlock.”

“Yes, I know. I assumed you did too, and I never asked. It didn’t seem polite.” Magnus sighs, touching his fingertips to the smooth surface of the desk behind him before leaning on it. “I’m sorry they lied to you. Is that why you’re upset?”

“Yes. No. I mean, yes.” He pauses, the words not quite coming to him. “I’m upset they lied to me and that they dishonored the Lightwood name. I mean, Valentine? He’s the biggest enemy we ever faced, and they were once part of his troops.” 

He looks away, the momentary silence hanging heavy before he goes on. “Aren’t you upset? You knew who I was, and you still...flirted with me. And then we found out we’re soulmates. Doesn’t that matter to you, that I’m their son, after what they did?”

Magnus is gazing at him thoughtfully. “You are not them, Alexander. It is unfair to judge children for the sins of their parents. I’ve gotten to know you a fair amount in the past few days, and I know you’re nothing like them. I wouldn’t be here if I thought you were.”

“That’s…” Alec struggles to continue. “That’s incredible of you.”

“No, that’s rational of me. I’ve lived a long time, darling, and I’ve learned not to put the blame on the wrong people. I blame them. I absolutely do not blame you, or Isabelle, or Jace.” Magnus smiles kindly, tapping a finger on his bottom lip. A few seconds pass, and Magnus seems to be considering something. The air between them shifts to something thicker with each passing moment.

“I was upset too, you know.” He confesses, his eyes shining with vulnerability. “You told me I disrupted your life project, but I never planned on this either. Even immortal beings only get one soulmate, which I find quite cruel. Sometimes we wait centuries to meet them, and to be honest, Alec, I struggled quite a lot with the fact that you are a Shadowhunter, and a mortal. I still am.”

“You never told me.” Alec murmurs.

“I am telling you now. You’ve opened up to me, and I believe I should do the same in return.” Magnus is smiling sadly, which makes Alec want to get close and comfort him, but he doesn’t, because he should let Magnus finish and because he doesn’t know how to start that contact. 

“It’s one thing to flirt with a Nephilim, it’s another to be bonded to one. Our races have never seen eye to eye, and I can’t say Shadowhunters have been fair to my people. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t presume you’re a bad person because you’re a Shadowhunter, but it’s still hard. And there’s the mortality thing.” 

“You won’t get another soulmate after me.” Alec says lowly. Magnus is right, that _is_ unfair. 

“No. And that’s why I hoped my soulmate would be immortal. Because it would spare us both a great pain. But life rarely goes the way we want it to, and we must learn to adapt.” 

Alec nods. This issue is burdensome and clumsy and bigger than them, maybe too much for them to discuss right now, at this point of their relationship. But his heart aches for Magnus, for the unfairness and the pain this bond brings to him.

“I’m sorry. I’ve been so focused on myself, I never thought…” He never really thought Magnus could be struggling too. He seems so sure of himself, so confident...but he realizes now that confidence doesn’t mean lack of struggle. Magnus has as much to lose as him. And maybe, he hopes, as much to gain.

“It’s okay, Alec. I’ve not been very forthcoming about it, and I understand that the pain you’ve been feeling overshadowed everything else.”

Magnus gets up from the desk, walking slowly towards him. Alec doesn’t move, his feet stuck to the ground, his eyes following Magnus’ movements. He can only hear his breaths, the world around him fading more and more as Magnus gets closer. 

When they’re only inches apart and their gazes are locked to each other’s, Magnus raises his arm slowly and rests a hand on Alec’s cheek. Alec doesn’t move, just keeps breathing. He resists the urge to close his eyes, but he leans into the touch just slightly. 

“You make me _feel_ , Alexander, and that’s something very special. Warlocks, after a while, they can stop feeling. It’s hard for something to still ignite a light in us after living for so long. You managed to do that. I hope I did the same for you, too.” 

Magnus’ thumb is stroking his skin gently, a kind and reassuring touch. “This is going to be hard. We’re going to struggle, and we’re going to suffer, but I think we could be something good, something real. I think it’s worth it, to keep that light ignited. Do you agree?”

Alec has never felt more aware of his body, has never felt something similar to this. He wants Magnus’ skin on his forever, but at the same time he feels like he can’t take one more second of it because it’s so intense and overwhelming, to be here, in front of Magnus, at the receiving end of those words, of this touch. It’s like being hit by a bolt of lightning. 

“Yes.” He says eventually, a truth he knows he can’t deny. The pain, the struggle, the loss he could face, they scare him, as they must scare Magnus. But he can’t give this up, this feeling, this man in front of him. He doesn’t know if he’s strong enough to face the consequences of being bound to Magnus, but he’s not strong enough to slam the door on the possibility of having more of this. 

He slammed the door on his happiness so many times during his life, and he always told himself that it was fine, that he didn’t need to be happy, because he was content enough with protecting his siblings and fulfilling his parents’ wishes. Now he doubts he ever even knew what he was giving up on, because _this_ happiness, _this_ is something he can’t or won’t turn his back on. He thinks about their dates, their talks, Magnus’ smile, Magnus letting him sleep at his place, Magnus not judging him for his last name, Magnus, Magnus, _Magnus_. He doesn’t want to let this go. Maybe this time he can be brave enough to hold on to it.

“Yes, I agree.” He says slowly, making Magnus smile softly, and even his dark bland room is suddenly bright and warm and everything around him real. He doesn’t know how long they stand like that, just looking at each other. Probably just a few seconds, but it stretches on for hours in Alec’s head.

When they part, after Magnus leaves, long after the sun has set and when Alec has gone to bed, the ghost of Magnus’ touch still lingers on his skin.

He doesn’t get much sleep that night. He lays awake for hours, staring at his open window and thinking over and over about his interaction with Magnus, going over every detail, every word. When he’s finally about to drift off, he feels a sharp pain coming through his parabatai rune.

He immediately sits up, alarmed. The pain continues, but it doesn’t seem to be physical, it’s...Alec can tell it’s emotional. Jace is hurting, and he usually only feels it if it’s really strong. Worried and wondering what might’ve happened to cause Jace enough pain for him to feel it, he throws on a shirt and a hoodie and he starts for Jace’s room, intent of getting something of his so he can track him. 

Instead, on the way, he runs into Jace, who’s going back to his own room. In the dim light of the hallway, Alec can barely make out of his face, but he still sees the utter devastation marking his features. 

“Jace, what’s wrong? What happened? Are Max and Izzy okay?” He says quickly, already fearing the worst. 

“They’re fine, don’t worry. Everything’s okay.” Jace’s voice is rough, scratched, and he won’t look at him. Alec grabs his arm, increasingly concerned for him.

“Then what happened? I felt pain through our rune, it was really bad.” He gets a good look at his clothes, and he frowns. “Why are you covered in dirt?”

Jace doesn’t reply immediately, shrugging off Alec’s hand and pacing in the small space, jittery.

“It’s Simon.” And _oh_. “He’s a vampire.”

“He’s _what?_ How did that happen?”

“Camille.” 

“She turned him?” 

“She _killed_ him.” Jace’s voice is full of barely contained anger. “Raphael brought him here, dead, and told us...he said we had to make a decision. Either we stake him to kill him permanently, or we turn him.”

“And you chose to turn him? That’s why you’re all dirty, you buried him?”

“Clary and I did. We thought...I don’t know what we thought. We just...couldn’t lose him. I couldn’t lose him, I...he thinks he’s a monster, Alec. He’s going to hate us.”

Jesus. _This is a huge mess _, Alec thinks. “Where is he now?”__

__“I..I don’t know. He ran off, Raphael went after him, said he’s gonna take care of it. I guess he’s more equipped to, though I doubt his bedside manner is the best.” Despite the attempted joke, Jace’s tone is everything but amused._ _

__Newly turned vampires are certainly more Raphael’s business than theirs, but…_ _

__“Camille broke the accords. She attacked a mundane.” Alec points out. He doesn’t really know what to say to Jace. What do you tell someone whose soulmate died and turned into a vampire?_ _

__“I know that. I know.”_ _

__Alec sighs. “By the Angel, Jace, getting involved in the turning of a vampire? You sai-”_ _

__“I know what I said, alright! I’m sorry, I didn’t really expect Raphael to turn up here with my dead soulmate in his arms, and then everything happened so fast and we had to make a choice quickly!”_ _

__He’s definitely being insensitive, more out of not knowing how to comfort Jace about this than anything. He can’t even begin to imagine what his parabatai went through and how hard it must have been to make that kind of decision._ _

__“I’m sorry, you’re right. It wasn’t your fault.” Alec admits, his voice apologetic. “Hey, listen. It was an impossible choice, okay? You and Clary did what you thought was right, he’s going to realize that. Just give him time to get...adjusted.”_ _

__“Yeah, get adjusted to being dead. You didn’t see his face, Alec, he was...he was in pain.”_ _

___Better dead than dead-er_ , Alec thinks. He reaches out and clasps Jace’s shoulder, holding on tight. Jace hangs his head and squeezes his hand, silently thanking him for the gesture of support._ _

__“This is not your fault, Jace. It’s Camille’s.”_ _

__“Yeah. I know, you’re right.” Jace’s eyes are rimmed red, but dry. “I just hope Raphael found him.”_ _

__“Yeah, me too.” Having a hungry and upset Simon out in New York on his own would not be ideal._ _

__“Are you gonna tell Lydia?”_ _

__Alec bites his lip, thoughtful. He should tell Lydia. They are under evaluation, and Camille did break the accords. But Jace, and Clary too, would get in trouble for not going to Lydia and the Clave immediately, and Jace seems upset enough. He can’t do this to him. He’s supposed to look out for Jace, and that trumps any instinct he has to immediately follow procedure._ _

__“No, I’m not going to tell her. Me, you and Clary, we don’t know about this, alright? Camille turned Simon without our involvement or knowledge.” Alec says pointedly, staring at Jace. His parabatai exhales almost too quietly for him to hear, a sigh of relief and gratitude._ _

__“Thank you, man.”_ _

__“Yeah. Get some sleep, you look terrible.”_ _

__“You look worse.” Jace finally cracks a weak but genuine smile. Alec squeezes his shoulder again, and they don’t need to say anything else._ _

__*_ _

__He and Magnus go for a walk, because they’ve been spending all of their time together cooped up in the loft, and Magnus is in the mood for fresh air. Brooklyn is alive and buzzing with energy around them, but Magnus leads them to a quieter place, sensing Alec’s discomfort amongst a sea of mundanes. He can’t use his invisibility rune like he usually does because Magnus is with him, and he would look like he’s talking to himself._ _

__“This is nice.” Alec comments after a few minutes of comfortable silence. He doesn’t feel very relaxed in crowds and New York is nothing if not chaotic, but he doesn’t mind this, walking in a deserted park with the night sky above them, empty of any visible stars._ _

__It’s mostly Magnus’ company that he likes, though, and he doesn’t mind getting out of the Institute for a while. His parents’ presence is stifling, as is Lydia’s. He likes her, but when he sees her he’s reminded of his family’s failure and the fact that the Clave doesn’t trust them anymore. Lately his mother’s gaze on him is heavier than usual, and he doesn’t really know why. She has a look in her eyes, like she’s planning something. It does nothing for Alec’s nerves._ _

__“It is. We should do it more often. I could take you out to dinner, sometime.”_ _

__“That sounds a lot like a date.” Alec points out._ _

__“And this doesn’t feel like a date to you?” Magnus teases him._ _

__“I guess. I wouldn’t know,” everything they’ve done could be a date, he thinks. Having drinks, ordering takeout in Magnus’ loft and now walking in the park. “I thought we were getting to know each other.”_ _

__“That’s what you usually do on dates.”_ _

__Alec hums in response. Using the word ‘date’ for what he’s doing with Magnus used to unsettle him, but he’s trying to come to terms with the idea. _‘Getting to know each other’_ has less weight to it, less meaning. _‘Date’_ is a whole world of scenarios Alec isn’t familiar with, and he doesn’t like what he doesn’t know. Magnus seems to be his exception to every rule, though._ _

__“You’ve never dated?” Magnus asks casually, or trying to be. Alec shrugs noncommittally, not really wanting to disclose how inexperienced he is to Magnus of all people._ _

__“It’s frowned upon,” his voice sounds more defensive than he’d like. “In our world, I mean. Dating someone who’s not your soulmate.”_ _

__Magnus chuckles drily. “There’s a lot of things Nephilim frown upon.” He says pointedly._ _

__And yeah, he’s right. A Shadowhunter being with a guy, a Downworlder...there’s no rule against it, but a lot of people of his society don’t approve, even if it’s the person you’re bonded to. Some people think those kind of bonds are a fault in the system, because they don’t believe the angels could ever approve of a Shadowhunter being with someone of their sex or with a Downworlder It’s the prejudice and discrimination that have suffocated Alec his whole life, instilling in him the fear of being himself because of the loss and judgement he could face. It’s hard, feeling the odd one out, feeling alone against your whole community._ _

__“We are a little more loose with this kind of thing, especially those of us who are immortal. It’s pretty hard, you know, not to date for decades, waiting for your soulmate to turn up.”_ _

__“That’s fair.” He mutters. Alec has never cared for that kind of prejudice. Izzy and Jace have dated people who weren’t their soulmates, and Alec always looked out for them, keeping their secrets._ _

__It’s daunting though, knowing that Magnus has a lot more experience in this field than he does. Not because he minds that Magnus dated before, it’s just...he doesn’t want to make a fool of himself. He hopes he isn’t._ _

__Magnus is looking at him, trying to gauge something from his reaction. “You don’t care? I thought it was _frowned upon_.”_ _

__“Not by me,” Alec says mildly. “It sounds pretty lonely, living so long and having to wait for someone to come into your life.”_ _

__He pauses, thinking over his next words. “I know what loneliness feels like. I wouldn’t wish it upon you, or anyone.”_ _

__It’s a quiet admission, made easier by the soft darkness around them. He doesn’t look at Magnus as he says it, just stares straight ahead. He feels a hand touch his, lightly, for a second, before the contact is gone._ _

__“I’m sorry, Alec.”_ _

__“Don’t be,” he doesn’t want compassion. “It’s fine. I’ve always had my siblings. They were enough.”_ _

__“Family is a beautiful thing.”_ _

__Alec huffs. Family is a touchy topic for him, especially right now. His family is fucked up, his parents had a first-hand role in making him feel inadequate in his world and they caused him a bigger betrayal than he can forgive. His siblings are the only non-poisonous part of his family._ _

__“Speaking of...how are things going between you and Jace?”_ _

__“They’re fine, we’re good.” He says, frowning slightly. Judging by Magnus’ tone, he feels like he’s trying to get at something._ _

__“Did you ever talk to him about what happened at the summoning?”_ _

__Here it is._ _

__“No. I didn’t think it was necessary.” He mutters evasively. He doesn’t like to think about that incident, and he’s not even remotely thrilled by the idea of bringing it up with Jace._ _

__“Why not?” Magnus pushes. Alec stops in his tracks and turns to face him, tense._ _

__“Magnus, what’s your point?”_ _

__“I just want to figure out your relationship, that’s all. I’m curious. We don’t have to talk about it if it makes you uncomfortable.”_ _

__Alec shakes his head and resumes walking, trying to ignore the tension that has arisen between him and Magnus. He doesn’t talk for a while, mulling it over in his head. Magnus leaves him to it, and instead of trying to fill the silence he just keeps walking beside him._ _

__“He’s my parabatai,” he blurts out suddenly. He’s not mad at Magnus for asking, but he’s never really talked about his _thing_ with Jace out loud, and it’s hard to put into words something he’s been carrying inside his whole life. He figures he owes it to Magnus, though, and maybe...maybe he should stop keeping everything so close to his chest. “Sometimes the intensity of that bond makes things...blurry. But that’s changed since...since I met you.”_ _

__It was something quiet and gradual, the shift in his feelings towards Jace. But he has noticed it. He doesn’t feel the same tinge in his chest when he looks at him, there’s no swoop in his stomach, no jealousy towards Simon being his soulmate. He’s starting to consider him more of a brother, like Izzy and Max do._ _

__He’s starting to doubt he ever really had real romantic feelings towards Jace. It’s difficult to figure it out, the tangle of his emotions, but what he used to feel for Jace pales in comparison of what he feels for Magnus now._ _

__“I’m glad to hear that, darling.” Magnus’ smile is soft and true. “It just looked...complicated, the thing between you two. I wanted to know if it was still bothering you.”_ _

__“No, it’s good. We’re good.” _Complicated_ is an understatement, but he’s starting to think that things are going to get a bit easier, at least on that front. They used to haunt him, his feelings for Jace. It’s one ghost he’s managed to free himself of, at least._ _

__“Alexander?” Magnus says after a few moments of silence. “I’m not lonely right now.”_ _

__Alec hangs his head and he feels himself smile faintly._ _

__*_ _

__“What’s going on? Did you find something on Jocelyn?” Alec asks when he walks in the command centre and Magnus is there, with Jace, Clary and Hodge. Jace and Clary finally found Jocelyn, but she’s in some kind of magical sleep, so they called Magnus for help._ _

__Apparently Clary and Jace also found out they’re related and that Michael Wayland was actually Valentine all along, meaning that Jace was actually raised by Valentine. It’s something that makes his head spin if he thinks about it for too long._ _

__“Yeah,” Hodge replies before anyone else. “We figured out Ragnor Fell is probably the one who made the potion that’s keeping her asleep. We need to talk to him.”_ _

__“So we’re going over there right now,” Jace gets up like a man on a mission. “Clary, gear up. We leave in an hour.”_ _

__“I’m coming, too,” Magnus intervenes. “Ragnor doesn’t trust Shadowhunters, no offense. It’s better for everyone if I’m there.”_ _

__“Okay, I’ll join you.” Alec says, but Lydia cuts into the conversation suddenly. He didn’t even hear her walk into the room._ _

__“Actually, Alec, you’re needed here. You can help me with some papers, and this isn’t a mission for four people. Jace, Clary and Magnus can handle it.”_ _

__Alec hesitates, disquieted. He’d rather go with them, not because he doesn’t think they can handle it, but...he’d just feel better if he were there. But Lydia is right, this doesn’t look like a dangerous mission, and he has no reason to insist to go, especially if he’s needed at the Institute. He exhales softly and throws a look at Magnus, who gives him a small but comforting smile._ _

__“Okay. Be careful.” He says to all of them. Even Clary._ _

__“Always am,” Jace replies with a smirk. “Let’s go, guys. We’re wasting time.”_ _

__As they file past him, Magnus lightly touches his arm, a phantom and discreet touch that sends Alec’s stomach into knots. No one notices it, and Alec follows Lydia into her office quietly, his mind somewhere else._ _

__Later, he regrets not going. When Jace and Clary return to the Institute looking shell-shocked and guilty without Magnus, Alec’s mind immediately fears the worst. His concern doesn’t settle when they tell him Ragnor was killed by a demon attack after giving them some information about the Book of the White._ _

__Alec doesn’t really care about that right now. He cares that Magnus’ friend died, that Magnus was so upset he told Jace and Clary to leave and last time they saw him, he was kneeling over the corpse of his friend, grieving._ _

__Alec doesn’t know what to do. Death among the Shadowhunters is a common thing, and it’s to be expected. Alec has known and witnessed grief his whole life: you cry, you pick yourself up, and you go on. You keep moving because there are more missions, more demons, more work to do. You don’t have time to wallow in misery. You just keep going._ _

__Magnus must be familiar with grief and loss too, but Ragnor was immortal like him, he wasn’t supposed to die like that, and his guess is that Magnus didn’t expect him to die so suddenly._ _

__So he thinks it over and over, wondering if he should reach out, if Magnus would welcome his presence. He eventually sends a text, but he gets no reply, and his calls go unanswered as well._ _

__He stares at his phone for what feel like hours, waiting and wondering. The idea of Magnus being alone right now doesn’t sit well with him, and in the end he figures that if Magnus really doesn’t want him there, he’ll send him away. He won’t impose, but he needs to check up on him._ _

__He goes to Magnus’ place, and after a few knocks the door opens on its own. The loft is dark and somber, the lights turned off, the curtains half-drawn. Alec looks around, searching for Magnus. Eventually, he sees him: he’s sitting on the sofa, facing the window, a drink in his hand. As he gets closer, he notices that Magnus’ eyes are empty and glassy, a slight tremor running down his arm._ _

__“Hi,” he says quietly. “I heard what happened.”_ _

__He figures there’s no point in beating around the bush. Magnus chuckles without humor, and it sounds like it’s being ripped from his throat. Alec has never heard that from him. It’s bitter and pained, something Magnus isn’t. Or maybe he is. Magnus has hidden depths that he hasn’t had the chance to explore, and this is probably one of them._ _

__“And you’re here to tell me you’re sorry? That it wasn’t my fault? That Ragnor lived a long, fulfilled life and it was just his moment to die?”_ _

__“No,” Alec says without missing a beat. “I’m here because I was worried.”_ _

__“I’m fine.”_ _

__Alec scoffs lowly. “You don’t look fine.”_ _

__Magnus looks down at his drink, then he takes a long sip and he puts the glass down. Alec follows his stilted and slow movements, all traces of elegance and finesse gone._ _

__“You’re here to judge me, then?”_ _

__“No, Magnus, I…” He sighs. “I just wanted to check on you. I can leave if you want to be alone.”_ _

__There’s silence for a few moments, and Magnus seems to slump suddenly, like all the fight has gone out of him. Alec wonders what is that he said that does it. Maybe Magnus doesn’t really want to be on his own._ _

__“No, darling, you can stay. I’m sorry, it’s just…Ragnor was my best friend. This is very painful for me.”_ _

__Alec tentatively sits on on the coffee table, in front of Magnus. He doesn’t say anything, because he doesn’t really know what to offer beside his presence. He doesn’t know if Magnus would appreciate a Shadowhunter’s look on death and loss._ _

__“I hadn’t seen him in a while, you know. Warlocks, we live so long, and sometimes it happens. We travel, we lose contact, and Ragnor was a rather solitary type, but the love and affection doesn’t fade. Ragnor was there for me when it mattered, he helped me through some bad times. And I couldn’t help him when it was my turn.”_ _

__“There was nothing you could’ve done.” Alec murmurs._ _

__“Maybe. But I still feel like I failed him.”_ _

__“You didn’t. You were there with him, at the end. That matters the most.”_ _

__Magnus smiles sadly, not really looking at him. His gaze is still focused on the dark night outside the window_ _

__“Loss is not a new experience for me. I will get through this, with time. I always do.”_ _

__“I know,” Alec says. “Doesn’t mean you have to do it on your own.”_ _

__“I guess there are some perks of having a soulmate.” Magnus jokes weakly, his eyes finally settling on him. There’s a quiet openness in there, something big and endless, and for a moment Alec truly sees how old Magnus is, the burden of the years he carries reflected in those eyes for a second before it’s gone. Alec gets it. It’s difficult to show that side of yourself, the raw grief and solitude. Magnus has let Alec in plenty of times, and Alec has tried to do the same, maybe clumsily, but sometimes it can be too much._ _

__“Yeah, I guess I’m good for something.” Alec says back, playing along._ _

__“Thank you, Alexander. You’re one of a kind, you know that?”_ _

__Alec shrugs, dismissing the compliment. He’s just another Shadowhunter. He doesn’t stand out, he doesn’t leave an impression, not like Magnus does._ _

__He reaches out carefully and rests his hand on Magnus’. It’s probably the first time he’s been the one to initiate physical contact, and Magnus looks surprised by Alec’s initiative. They look at each other silently, their eyes locked. Magnus squeezes his hand slowly, and Alec doesn’t move an inch except to reciprocate the hold. He doesn’t even know if he’s breathing._ _

__“You want something to eat?” He offers eventually, when the tension between them has swelled to an almost unbearable point and breaking the moment. Magnus looks at the bottle of alcohol on the glass table beside him thoughtfully, and then he sighs._ _

__“As long as we can have a drink with it.”_ _

__And so Alec stays._ _

__*_ _

__It all comes to an head, eventually. It starts with his mother, who asks to speak to him in private. Alec reluctantly agrees, and follows her in what used to be his office. He hasn’t really talked to Maryse since he found out she was a Circle member except to tell her how angry he was at her lies._ _

__“So, what is it?” He asks, his hands behind his back. His voice is neutral and controlled, lacking of any emotion._ _

__“How is Jocelyn?” His mother says instead of answering. Magnus is at the Institute to run a check-up, Jace and Clary with him. He’s apparently also gathered some information about the Book of the White._ _

__“She’s the same. Is that what you wanted to talk about?”_ _

__“No, it’s not,” Maryse sighs and she walks out from behind the desk, standing in front of him. “I thought of something that might get us the Institute back.”_ _

__“Yeah? What is that?” Alec raises an eyebrow, waiting to hear his mother’s ingenious idea._ _

__“We find you a soulmate. We simply cannot let this go on any further, Alec, the more Lydia is in charge, the more our family looks incompetent. The Clave would surely rather have you and your soulmate at the head of the Institute, instead of one woman alone, a woman whose soulmate died.”_ _

__Alec stares at her for a few second, her words not registering. He’s always known his mother wanted him to find a soulmate as soon as possible, but it’s always been more of a stern encouragement on her part to be more sociable, to mingle and meet as many girls as possible, something Alec has always tried to get out of._ _

__He tries to keep his swelling panic hidden. “And how do you suggest we make that happen?”_ _

__“Well, it’s simple. We just organize some meetings, get some girls from respectable Shadowhunters families to meet you, and hopefully one of them is your soulmate. It’s something that we used to do, a long time ago, to try and make political alliances happen. After all, the angels would want you to be with someone who could be a leader beside you, wouldn't they?”_ _

__“That…” Alec tries to control his stuttering voice. “Mom, that’s insane. What if none of them turn out to be my soulmate? Then it would just be a waste of time. Do you honestly think that’s going to win us back the Institute?”_ _

__“Well, we have to try, at least! Honestly, Alec, you’re already twenty-three years old and it’s unacceptable that you still haven’t found your soulmate. You should’ve followed my advice and tried to meet people on your own. Now I’m taking matters into my own hands. We’re doing this, and we’re starting immediately. I’ll make some calls.”_ _

__Alec feels like the walls are closing in on him. He feels caged, bound, stricken with fear. He can’t let this happen. None of those girls are going to turn out to be his soulmate, and then what? His mom will disappointed. She will consider him even more of a failure. And what is Magnus going to think?_ _

__Among his panic, another feeling rises, one he’s starting to be familiar with when it comes to his mother. Anger fills his chest, pulsing and wild. How can she do this, again and again? How can she keep trying to control his life and making him feel like shit when things don’t go the way she wants them to? And how much longer is he going to let her do it?_ _

__He’s doesn’t want to do this. He doesn’t want to meet any girls, he doesn’t want to feel his parents’ gazes on him as he shakes their hands, waiting for him to find something he’s already found, he doesn’t want to feel caged anymore, he doesn’t want to be controlled like this._ _

___I can’t breathe_ , he thinks. _I can’t breathe. I gotta get out of here.__ _

__He tugs at the collar of his shirt and sharply leaves the room. He hears his mother call out his name, and then the click of her heels as she follows him in the hallway._ _

__Alec doesn’t even know where he’s going. He’s just walking, trying to get away from Maryse, from everything that has made him unhappy his whole life: the desire to please her, to avoid hers and other Nephilim’s judgment, the attempt to reach that one goal that has been taken away from him - being the head of the Institute. And if his choice comes down to his career and being himself, he finally realizes that he can’t give that up anymore. He can’t keep hiding, can’t keep hurting himself like this._ _

__He can’t live with this feeling of suffocation any longer. Not if he can help it._ _

__His parents will find out, sooner or later. If Maryse goes through with this, she’ll see that none of those girls are his soulmate, and she’ll start to wonder, and try even harder to find him someone, and it’s going to be unbearable. He’d rather have her find out on his own terms._ _

__“Alec! Where are you going? Don’t you walk away from me like this!”_ _

__“Maryse? What’s going on? Where is he going?” His father’s voice joins hers._ _

__He realizes where his feet are taking him, even though it’s not a rational decision: he’s going to Magnus._ _

__He tunes out his mother’s voice, his ears ringing, his heart beating fast and sharp against his chest. He finally reaches the room he last saw Magnus in, and he’s still there, talking quietly to Clary. The only other people in the room are Izzy, Jace and Simon. Alec barely takes in that information._ _

__He doesn’t stop for a second. He just barrels into the room, and everyone turns to look at him. He only has eyes for Magnus: this beautiful man, standing a few feet away from him, his soft eyes, his warm smile. There are pink streaks in his hair today, his elegant clothes matching. His soulmate, the person he’s meant to be with._ _

__Alec walks straight to him. If he stops, if he hesitates, he’s not going to do this. He’s going to lose the courage, and that is all he has right now. That is everything he has to offer to Magnus: this moment of truth, this moment of loyalty to himself, to the little boy who was scared to find his soulmate without knowing why, to the man who has given up pieces of himself throughout his whole life to make others happy. All he has is this: a moment of bravery, a sacrifice he can make to finally be able to breathe. He’s putting his heart, his family, his career on the line. Not for Magnus, because he would never ask him to do that. For himself. For a chance._ _

__“Alec Lightwood, what in the name of the Angel are you doing?!” He hears his mother’s voice, high and stern._ _

__“I’m introducing you to my soulmate,” is what says. And then he grabs Magnus by the lapels of his jacket and pulls him into a kiss._ _

__The whole room seems to go out of focus. Everything else disappears, and all that matters is Magnus’ mouth, Magnus’ lips on his. He feels Magnus exhale in surprise, frozen for a second, and then his mouth goes soft and pliant under his, returning the kiss._ _

__They’re a little clumsy at first, but there’s determination and tenderness in their movements, and they seem to get in sync soon enough. Alec feels alive, alight with sparks. Most of all, he feels free. He feels light._ _

__He leans back for a moment, trying to look at Magnus’ face. Magnus chases his lips, and their eyes lock intensely before Alec dives back in, feeling Magnus’ hands hold his hips, scrunching the fabric of his shirt. He’s still holding on to Magnus’ jacket as if that’s the only thing keeping him on his feet._ _

__They eventually part, with a noise that resonates in the silent room. Alec doesn’t dare to look around yet, keeping his gaze on Magnus, breathing a little heavily._ _

__“You never cease to amaze me, Alec.” Magnus murmurs, his voice a little rough. That seems to startle Alec back into reality, because he blinks and becomes suddenly aware of the other six people in the room. Well, seven, if you count Jocelyn. At least she was asleep through the whole thing._ _

__“Yeah. What did I do?” He mutters, finally turning his face to his parents. His mother looks shocked more than anything, but he can see the glint of disgust in her eyes. She doesn’t say a word, she just turns around and leaves. His father looks between them, seeming confused, before following Maryse out of the room._ _

__As his parents leave, everyone else in the room seems to come alive. Izzy is the first one to run towards him, wrapping him in a fierce hug that he distractedly returns, his mind still whirring with everything that happened._ _

__Did he really do that? Did he really come out to his family? Did he really just kiss Magnus in front of everyone?_ _

__“Alec, I’m so proud of you!” Izzy beams, stepping back. Everyone else gets closer, except Clary, who stays by her mother. When he glances at her though, she smiles sincerely at him._ _

__“Yeah, man, that was crazy! You came in here, all fire and passion, and you just grabbed Magnus and kissed him in front of everyone! That was great! So Magnus is your soulmate then, huh? I’m a little surprised, but I can kind of see it, you’re so different but you fit together, like puzzle pieces, you know?”_ _

__Alec stares blankly at Simon, who hasn’t taken a breath once. “Why are you here?” He asks flatly._ _

__“Hey!” Simon sounds offended. Jace, beside him, smirks, and Alec doesn’t miss the way Simon blushes a bit and throws a quick sideway glance to his parabatai. Huh. Maybe those two are figuring things out as well._ _

__“That was good, Alec. I’m happy for you.” Jace offers. Alec nods, a little overwhelmed with the attention. He can’t stop thinking about his mother’s face._ _

__He feels Magnus touch his lower back comfortingly, and he throws him a smile._ _

__“Can we talk in private for a second?” Magnus whispers. Alec nods, and after excusing himself to the others, he leads Magnus out of the room, in an empty hallway._ _

__“Oh. What information did you have about the Book of the White, by the way?” Alec suddenly remembers the reason Magnus is in the Institute in the first place._ _

__“I found out who has it, that’s actually what I was telling Clary before you came in,” Magnus cringes, like he has bad news to tell him. “It’s in Camille’s possession.”_ _

__Oh, great. “That’s not...ideal.”_ _

__“Yeah, not really,” Magnus adds, but he’s clearly eager to change the subject. “Alec...what just happened?”_ _

__Alec looks down sheepishly. “My mom...she wanted to set me up with these girls to try and find me a soulmate. I guess I just...snapped. I’m sorry, was that not okay?”_ _

__Magnus’ gaze is a mixture of wonder and bewilderment. “That was incredible, Alexander. You just came out to your family, and you did it with a grand gesture, something I’m a huge fan of.”_ _

__Alec smiles, trying not to look too embarrassed. “Yeah, I don’t know. I just wanted my parents to find out my way. They didn’t look very happy.”_ _

__“Don’t underestimate a parent’s love, darling. They could surprise you,” He sighs, and reaches out to grab Alec’s hand. Alec holds on to that touch, grateful. “You are very brave, Alexander.”_ _

__Alec shrugs. “I’m trying.”_ _

__“And you’re a very good kisser.” Magnus’ voice is flirty, and there’s a glint in his eyes. Alec feels himself blush._ _

__“Y-yeah. You too. You’re really good, too.” He stammers out, the hallway suddenly very hot._ _

__Magnus steps forward, bringing their bodies closer, and Alec automatically mirrors his movement, his eyes dropping to Magnus’ mouth. As he leans forward, his lips barely brush Magnus’ when they’re interrupted by Clary’s voice._ _

__“Sorry, guys!” She says, agitated. They both take a couple steps away from each other, turning to look at her. Alec’s annoyed, but that turns into concern when he takes a look at her face._ _

__“What’s wrong, biscuit?” Magnus asks before he has a chance to._ _

__“It’s Lydia, we just found her unconscious in her office, and the Cup is gone. Someone stole it.”_ _

__“What? Is Lydia okay?” As Alec talks, Clary starts to move and she gestures for them to follow her._ _

__“She’s gonna be okay, we think, just a nasty bump, but we need to find the Cup. Izzy is checking the camera footage right now.”_ _

__The footage shows that Hodge was the one who knocked out Lydia and took the Cup. Pissed and betrayed, they decide to split up: Clary, Simon, Izzy and Magnus are going to take care of Camille while Alec and Jace go after Hodge. They call Luke for help in tracking him._ _

__They find him, but they don’t find the Cup. Hodge loses a hand in the struggle with Jace, and Alec doesn’t find it in him to feel sorry about it. He betrayed them and the Institute. Losing a hand is the least of it._ _

__Jace, stubborn as ever, decides to go after Valentine on his own and slips away with Hodge while Alec is talking to Luke. He’s pissed off at his parabatai for his recklessness, and when he calls him to ask what the hell he’s doing, Jace just tells him to go help Clary._ _

__He understands why Jace wants to hunt down and kill Valentine on his own, after the years of abuse he suffered at his hands, but it doesn’t mean he can’t be angry at his brother for making choices that put him in danger._ _

__In the end, he decides to do what Jace asked him to. He calls Izzy, who tells him they managed to find Camille, but that in exchange for the Book she wants Simon to sign a contract that says he wished to be turned into a vampire. They’re going to do it at Magnus’ loft, because Magnus is the one who can conjure up the contract, so Alec goes there._ _

__What he ends up seeing at Magnus’ loft doesn’t put him in a better mood. As he and Izzy enter the room, he sees Magnus and Camille kiss. He immediately registers the painful-looking grip she has on his arms and the tension running through Magnus’ body, the way his arms are stiff and close to his sides._ _

__They part almost as soon as they come in, and Camille turns around with a satisfied smirk. Alec glares at her, irritation flashing hot in his stomach. He’s confused, but he knows Magnus, and he wouldn’t do this to him. She has something to do with it._ _

__“This is not what it looks like.” Magnus hurries to explain, looking slightly less composed than usual._ _

__“So, this is your soulmate, hm? He’s cute. Too bad he’s going to be bald in a few years.”_ _

__Camille’s voice is dripping with poison. Before he can get a word out, Izzy steps forward threateningly._ _

__“Keep talking and I’ll make you regret it.”_ _

__Alec grabs his sister’s arm as Camille’s gaze turns menacing, and he tries to put a stop to the escalating situation. He feels sick, and he just wants to get this over with and spend the least time necessary in Camille’s presence._ _

__“We don’t have time for this.” He says sternly. He throws a glance at Magnus, who has an expression of mild-disgust on his face. _Talk later_ , he mouths, because he doesn’t want to have this conversation in front of everyone else. Magnus nods._ _

__Camille relents, and they go to her house to retrieve the Book of the White with Clary and Simon. As soon as they get there, she decides she’s helped them enough, and she leaves with disarming velocity. No surprise there. Alec, to be honest, is almost relieved, even though now they have to look for the Book in a huge library._ _

__As Clary starts looking, Simon approaches him._ _

__“Hey, where’s Jace?” His voice is tinged with worry. Alec sighs and mentally swear at Jace._ _

__“He went after Valentine.”_ _

__“On his own?!” Simon’s concern is starting to edge into panic._ _

__“Yeah,” Alec’s voice is resigned. “Listen, Jace is a good Shadowhunter, he’s going to be okay. Just...help Clary, it’ll keep your mind off it.”_ _

__His clumsy attempt at being reassuring for Simon, a person he barely knows and likes, doesn’t go very well, because Simon doesn’t look particularly comforted. He nods though, and joins Clary in her search._ _

__“We should check the perimeter.” He tells Magnus and Izzy._ _

__“Yeah, good idea,” Izzy agrees, and then smirks at them. “I’ll go that way, you two can check out the rest.”_ _

__Magnus barely smothers a laugh._ _

__“You’re not being subtle.” Alec mutters._ _

__“I wasn’t trying to be. Go on then, no time to lose.”_ _

__She leaves, and Alec is left alone with Magnus. They’re silent at first, Alec fiddling nervously with one of his blades. The weight of his bow strapped to his back is familiar in a place and situation that are not._ _

__“What you saw earlier…” Magnus finally breaks the quiet. “It’s not what it seemed like.”_ _

__“What was it like?” Alec’s voice is lacking of any judgement or anger. He wants to hear Magnus’ side of it, because he doesn’t think Magnus would be so cruel to kiss someone else after everything that happened between them._ _

__“She took me by surprise. Camille and I...we were together, once, but it was a long time ago. She’s not someone I’m interested in being with, not anymore. She’s cruel, and she loves playing with people’s feelings and getting into their heads. She probably smelled you coming and decided to have a little fun. I’m truly sorry.”_ _

__Alec tries to digest the information. He’s not mad, he’s just surprised that Magnus would pick someone like Camille, someone so foul and evil. He can’t imagine the two of them together, and frankly, he doesn’t want to._ _

__“You don’t have to apologize, it was her fault. You didn’t kiss her.”_ _

__“No. Absolutely not. I would never.” Magnus’ voice is firm and honest._ _

__Alec nods. He’s mostly disgusted at Camille for being so manipulative, and for trying to drag them into her games._ _

__“Did you love her?” He asks quietly._ _

__Magnus hesitates for a long second. “I did, at the time. I loved the version of her I chose to see. Once I opened my eyes to her true nature, it was over for me, and I don’t regret it.”_ _

__“I’m sorry.”_ _

__“It’s water under the bridge, love. And anyway...I have you now, don’t I?”_ _

__There’s a smile in Magnus’ voice, and Alec can’t stop the corner of his lips from lifting up._ _

__“Yeah. I hope that’s okay.” He says, and then berates himself for how stupid it sounds. But Magnus just looks at him fondly, which makes Alec’s stomach do a somersault, and then he looks around._ _

__“I think the perimeter is good, what do you say?”_ _

__Alec checks out the space around him, evaluating quickly how much ground they’ve covered. During their conversation, they went further than Alec realized. They’ve stopped walking now, and they’re standing in a semi-lit hallway, facing each other._ _

__“Yeah, I think we’re fine, why?”_ _

__“Because I really want to do this.” Magnus steps forward and grabs Alec’s biceps, bringing their mouths together. Alec exhales sharply in surprise, and then his arms go up automatically to grab Magnus’ hips._ _

__They shouldn’t be doing this. They’re on a mission, and even if they’re finished checking the perimeter they should go back and help the others…_ _

__Any kind of logic melts right out of Alec’s mind, though, when he feels Magnus’ tongue tentatively touch his bottom lip. Alec opens his mouth, an invitation, and their kiss gets deeper and loses the initial tenderness, which turns into something more heated._ _

__Alec barely notices when Magnus’ back ends up hitting the wall, but Magnus makes a pleased sound right in his mouth and slides a hand up until it reaches his hair and stays there._ _

__Alec is overwhelmed with just how much he wants Magnus, aching for more even now that he’s touching him. He wants to get closer and closer, wants to get under Magnus’ skin and stay there. His hands tighten on Magnus’ waist, and now there’s barely an inch of air between their bodies._ _

__Magnus moves his head to the side so their lips are no longer touching, but now he’s trailing his mouth over Alec’s cheek, and he stops when he reaches his neck. Alec bares his throat just slightly, and he feels Magnus’ lips softly touch the rune etched on his neck._ _

__Alec feels dizzy and lightheaded, and he knows this can’t go any further. They have to stop before he completely loses the ability to think._ _

__“Magnus, we can’t…” He manages to protest. Magnus sighs and closes his eyes, resting his head on the wall behind him. He’s breathing heavily and he looks like he’s trying to get himself under control; Alec is pretty much in the same situation._ _

__“Valentine and this mission be damned.” He swears, his eyes finally opening. They’re a little glazed over, but he seems to be winding down. Alec steps back a little reluctantly to give him more space, but not far enough that he can’t feel the heat of Magnus’ body._ _

__He chuckles a little, but soon freezes when his ears pick up something weird._ _

__Magnus frowns. “What’s wrong?”_ _

__“I heard a noise,” Alec whispers, his hand going to the blade strapped to his thigh. His bow will be useless in a restricted space like this, and at such close range. “I think-”_ _

__He doesn’t have time to finish, because suddenly two Circle members leap out from God knows where and attack them. Alec, falling back on his instincts, slides his blade from its holster and manages to stop the attacker’s sword in its path. The metal clanking together makes a deafening sound, and the hallway lits up with the light of Magnus’ magic._ _

__After a few moments of dueling, the Circle member manages to disarm him, and before he can get another weapon out, he has a blade to his throat, the other guy holding him firmly from behind._ _

__“You!” He yells to Magnus, who’s still fighting with the other attacker and on the brink of defeating him. “Stop, or he dies.”_ _

__Magnus stops immediately, his hands still raised. His opponent doesn’t waste time and immediately lunges forward and restrains Magnus, putting a sword to his throat._ _

__“Try anything and the other dies, got it?”_ _

__They both nod, Alec’s stomach turning into a pit of dread for Magnus that he tries to ignore. He needs to stay levelheaded, for both of them._ _

__They’re marched back to the main room, where they find out that Clary, Simon and Izzy are also being held by Circle members. Valentine is in the room, and Jace has a sword pointed at him._ _

__Tense and confused, Alec looks between Jace and Valentine warily. His brother’s face turns fiery, even more than before, when he sees Alec and Magnus being brought into the room._ _

__“Fight me, and watch your friends die.” Valentine’s voice is threatening but calm._ _

__“Just take the book. We can’t stop you without it.” Clary interferes._ _

__“I don’t care about the book. I want you to wake up your mother, Clarissa, and then I want you both to join me. It’s fated to happen,” Valentine turns back towards Jace. “Well?”_ _

__“If I go with you, promise me you won’t hurt them.”_ _

__“You have my word.”_ _

__“Jace, this is insane.” This time it’s Simon who speaks up; his voice is thick and pained. “You don’t have to do this.”_ _

__“Yes, I do.” Jace whispers. He and Valentine are standing side by side now._ _

__“Let them go.” Valentine says. As soon as he’s free, Alec lunges for Jace and Izzy does the same, but Jace raises his arms, one hand still holding his seraph blade._ _

__“Stop!” Jace turns his head to glare at him. “Alec, I mean it. Let me do this.”_ _

__Alec freezes, the entire situation making him sick. Jace starts to walk back towards the portal, Valentine squeezing his shoulder. The Circle members go first, and as Jace and Valentine start to go through the portal, his brother looks at Simon with desperate eyes, for once wearing his heart on his sleeve._ _

__“I’m sorry, Simon.” He whispers. And then he’s walking into the portal, and Simon starts to run toward it, with the clear intention to go after Jace._ _

__“Jace!” He yells, and Alec throws himself forward and catches Simon around the waist, holding him back. He hears the portal close, and silence falls over the room, the only sounds coming from Simon._ _

__“Let me go, you giant! Jace!”_ _

__“I’m saving your life!” Alec snaps, releasing Simon now that he’s not in danger of running through a portal with no destination in mind and killing himself. Simon is panting, and he’s looking at the place where Jace vanished with the most heartbroken look Alec has ever seen on anyone. He seems lost and terrified._ _

__“Jace.” Simon whispers, this time._ _

__The gravity of what just happened sets in, and Alec wants to throw up. Valentine has his parabatai, and he did nothing to stop it._ _

__It doesn’t matter that he couldn’t, that Jace asked him not to. He should’ve done something._ _

__“He’s gone.” He says, his voice rough. “Simon, he’s gone.”_ _

__*_ _

__They get back to the Institute almost immediately, where Magnus tries to track Jace with no results. Alec feels helpless and lost, the bond between them now nearly silent. It unsettles him, because Jace is such a lively force and their bond has always been so loud and a constant part of his life for the past few years. Not having Jace there and with the bond so quiet, Alec feels like he’s missing a limb._ _

__They must be over water, which means tracking is useless. In his frustration, he snaps at Lydia and Izzy, who are trying to get him to calm down, and when Magnus approaches him and grabs his arm gently, he wrestles it out of his grip. Deep down, he knows he’s being unfair, but he can’t _think_._ _

__He goes up to the roof to get some fresh air. Magnus comes looking for him not long after._ _

__“I’m sorry about how I treated you.” He says, hearing Magnus’ steps behind him._ _

__“It’s fine. You’re worried about Jace, I get it.”_ _

__Alec huffs, turning towards Magnus, who’s now standing beside him. “No, you don’t. Jace is a part of me, okay? And now he’s out there, with Valentine, he could be hurt, and I can’t do a damn thing about it.”_ _

__The simmering anger and fear haven’t gone away, and he can’t help but keep lashing out at people around him. _Stop_ , some part of him whispers, but he can’t. It’s the only outlet he finds for his emotions._ _

__He starts to walk away from Magnus, thinking that if he’s alone at least he won’t keep acting like an asshole to him. Magnus doesn’t give up easily._ _

__“Tell me what I can do, then.”_ _

__“You can help me track Jace through my parabatai rune.” He says firmly._ _

__Magnus is clearly shocked by his request. “That’s dangerous. It could kill you, I can’t-”_ _

__“It’s a risk I’m willing to take!”_ _

__“Well, I’m not! Alexander, I would do anything for you, but I won’t risk your life!”_ _

__Alec gapes at him. “I can’t believe this, you can’t do this one thing for me! After everything I’ve done for you, after…”_ _

__He trails off, shaking his head. There’s a mixture of disbelief and hurt in Magnus’ eyes that makes Alec’s heart clench with guilt, but he doesn’t take it back. He just turns around and leaves._ _

__*_ _

__Jace’s situation gets worse when Victor Aldertree takes command of the Institute by order of the Clave not long after. The fact that Jace is being treated as a criminal that should be brought in dead or alive makes Alec’s blood boil, but there’s nothing he can do about it. Not even Lydia can help now, and she looks pissed that her position has been revoked with no warning._ _

__Simon is still there with them, and he hasn’t stopped fidgeting one second. Alec can’t really blame him, but he wishes he would stop. Since the Institute is going on lockdown, it means no Downworlders allowed, and Simon doesn’t want to leave. Clary is reassuring him that she’ll keep him updated._ _

__He sees Magnus from the corner of his eyes, and he breaks away from the group to go after him._ _

__“Are you leaving?” He asks._ _

__“Well, there’s nothing more I can do here. I’d rather be at my house, where there’s steak and vodka.” Magnus’ tone is aloof and controlled._ _

__“So, what, you’re not gonna help?”_ _

__“I have tried to help, and the treatment I’ve gotten in return hasn’t been very pleasant. I don’t get why you’d think I’d stick around.”_ _

__“Magnus, I-”_ _

__“No, Alec. What you said before, throwing what you did at my face like I asked you to come out to your family...you know you didn’t risk anything for me, you did it for you.”_ _

__“Are you really doing this right now?” His voice is heated, a contrast to Magnus’ cooler behaviour._ _

__“Listen, you know I want to find Jace as much as you do, but that’s no excuse to treat me like -”_ _

__“Then what do you want from me?!”_ _

__“At the moment? Nothing.”_ _

__It feels like a block of ice has set between them. Magnus doesn’t add anything else, and Alec watches him leave while a turmoil of guilt and regret swirls around in his stomach._ _

__He tries to put the fight with Magnus at the back of his head, and focus on the search for Jace. It still pokes at him, making him feel nauseous every now and then, but he forces himself to work on finding Jace. He figures it’s better if he gives Magnus some time. And he probably needs some time to calm down, too._ _

__After a few hours, deep into the night, the parabatai bond flares to life. They immediately try to track Jace again, but they don’t make it to the place in time. All they see is Valentine dragging Jace through a portal, and then they’re gone again._ _

__It’s a difficult night, for everyone. When they get back to the Institute, it’s almost dawn, and even though Izzy tells him to go get some rest, when he lays down on his bed his mind is whirring with thoughts that won’t leave him alone._ _

__Jace disappearing through the portal, Magnus’ face on the roof, Simon’s heartbroken eyes…  
He fucked up, he knows that. He’s calmed down now, and he recognizes that he treated Magnus unfairly, asking him to do something that would put him in mortal danger and then trying to make him feel bad for refusing with a cheap manipulative trick. _ _

__In Magnus’ shoes, would he have agreed to perform a dangerous spell on Magnus, something that could risk his life? Probably not._ _

__Magnus doesn’t owe him or Jace anything, he tried to help because he simply cares, and all he got in return was Alec being ungrateful and yelling at him. Ridden with guilt, Alec decides he needs to go and apologize to Magnus. If he lets too much time pass, Magnus is going to think that Alec doesn’t care._ _

___I knew I was gonna mess this up,_ he thinks. He just hopes Magnus can forgive him._ _

__It’s still early when he gets up and puts some fresh clothes on, but not early enough that Magnus wouldn’t be awake. He quickly makes his way through the Institute and manages to get outside unnoticed. Or so he thinks, because as he’s descending the steps he hears the familiar click of heels behind him, and then his mother’s voice._ _

__“Where are you going?”_ _

__He doesn’t even turn around, he just keeps walking, as he is in no mood to deal with her bullshit on top of everything else._ _

__“To Magnus’ place.” He says curtly. He feels his mother’s hand on his forearm pulling him to a stop._ _

__“Is that where you want to go, with everything that’s happening? With Jace missing?”_ _

__“What I want to do is none of your business.”_ _

__“I am your mother, Alexander, and who you decide to...associate yourself with is my concern,” the contempt in her voice is clear. “He’s a..a…”_ _

__“A guy? Is that your problem?” He shakes off her hand, her touch sickening him._ _

__“A Downworlder! And Magnus Bane, at that! His reputation precedes him...Alec, he can’t be your soulmate. You must be wrong, or maybe he tricked you. He’d get a kick out of humiliating us!”_ _

__He can’t listen to this anymore. He barely restrains himself from yelling when he speaks._ _

__“Stop. He’s my soulmate, mom. There’s no trickery going on here, either accept it or leave me alone. And don’t ever talk about him like that again.”_ _

__Maryse gapes, not used to hearing him talk back to her in such a firm way. Or maybe she’s just shocked he’s defending a Downworlder._ _

__“Do you have any idea what this means for us, what this could do to our family? First you have a warlock for a soulmate, and now Jace ran off with Valentine…we look like fools. We failed in raising you right, and we took in a criminal! Made him one of our own! ”_ _

__Her words sting, but he tries to not let it get to him. “Taking Jace in was the right choice.”_ _

__“It was a mistake,” she steps closer and grabs his shoulders. Her grip makes him feel like he can’t breathe. “Jace made his choice, and it can’t be undone. Yours can, Alec. Break this bond, and we can fix it.”_ _

__“No,” he refuses sharply, stepping back. He doesn’t want to believe that she’s asking this of him, that she’d rather have him go through the pain of breaking a bond and living without a soulmate than accept who he is. “You know what, mother? You’re right. You failed in raising me, but not because my soulmate turned out to be Magnus. Because, all my life, you made me feel like there was something wrong with _me_. Like I had to change who I am for you to love me.”_ _

__Maryse has the audacity of looking hurt, which just angers Alec more. Some part of him had hoped that his mother would have his back, that she would come around, that she would accept him. The look on her face when he kissed Magnus made a chip into that brittle hope, which is completely destroyed by her words now._ _

__“If you loved me, if you loved Jace or any of us, you would act very differently. As soon as it gets hard for you to love someone, as soon as they don’t fit your criteria, they’re out. Well, I don’t give up on someone because they’re the hard choice.”_ _

__His words are true for both Jace and Magnus. Choosing Magnus hasn’t been easy, because it means risking everything he worked so hard for his whole life. But being with him made him realize that all the things he was trying to keep safe are meaningless if he has to give up a part of himself to keep them._ _

__Choosing Jace, right now, means going against Mayse. Against the Institute and the Clave, who have declared him a criminal for giving up his safety to save all of them. He doesn’t care; he’s going to get his brother back, one way or another, everything else be damned._ _

__Maryse, for the first time, looks stunned into silence. Alec can’t take her presence anymore, and he takes off, his own words still echoing in his head._ _

__*_ _

__Magnus is on the balcony when he gets to the loft. Alec is familiar enough with the place to make his way through it easily, but he freezes in his tracks when he catches sight of Magnus’ bare back, rippled with muscles and shining with sweat._ _

__His mouth dries. Magnus is doing some kind of work out, grey-blue lights swirling between his fingers, his body moving elegantly around while he controls the electric magic. Alec’s eyes run over his wide shoulders and muscled arms. He knows Magnus is well-built, a hint of his body always visible through his clothes, but seeing it covered and seeing it like this are two very different things._ _

__He realizes he’s just standing there staring at Magnus’ back like an idiot, and he clears his throat loudly._ _

__“Magnus,” he starts. Magnus doesn’t acknowledge him, but Alec doesn’t let it deter him. “I’m not good at apologies but...I’m sorry.”_ _

__“Continue.” Magnus doesn’t stop what he’s doing, but at least he’s talking._ _

__“I’m...really sorry.”_ _

__“For?”_ _

__“I…” Magnus’ nakedness and his movements with the magic are starting to get really distracting. Plus, he feels awkward, talking to someone who’s not looking at him. He wants to see Magnus’ face while he apologizes. “Look, can you cut that out?”_ _

__Magnus’ magic comes flying in his direction. He bends sideways, avoiding it, and the ball hits a lamp behind him. Though he’s sure the magic wouldn’t have hurt him had it hit him, Alec can’t help but raise an eyebrow to Magnus’ turned figure and then he walks out on the balcony._ _

__“You were right. I didn’t come out for you. I did it for me,” he admits. Magnus is putting on a sleeveless hoodie, still avoiding looking at him. “It’s just...this is new for me, sometimes I just don’t know how to act.”_ _

__“This may come as a surprise, but you’re new for me too.” Magnus responds, zipping up his hoodie, his voice irritated and sarcastic._ _

__“It’s just...with Jace missing, I feel even more off-balance, and…”_ _

__Magnus doesn’t seem keen on listening to him, though, because he starts to walk inside. Alec feels a shot of panic run through him. What if Magnus doesn’t forgive him? He needs to explain himself, to make Magnus understand why he acted the way he did. He doesn’t want to lose this, he doesn’t want to let his behaviour ruin what they’ve managed to built._ _

__He reaches out and grabs Magnus’ bicep, stilling him. The skin is soft and slightly sweaty under his palm. Magnus stops, and Alec lets his hand fall from Magnus’ arm to his hand._ _

__Magnus finally looks at him properly, allowing the touch to happen. Alec relaxes slightly, knowing that Magnus is willing to listen._ _

__“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to take it out on you.”_ _

__The raw sincerity in his voice seems to get to Magnus, who nods. “You’re forgiven. Also, you’re great at apologies.”_ _

__Magnus reaches up and strokes Alec’s cheek softly. Alec feels himself flush, and he ducks his head, a smile breaking out on his face._ _

__“Thank you.” he murmurs, leaning on the low rail of the balcony. He blinks at the bright lights of the city in front of him, feeling almost settled for the first time since Jace went missing._ _

__“I just want to ask you one thing,” Magnus says, coming up beside him. They’re facing each other now, the atmosphere quiet and intimate. “When things get crazy, don’t push me away. I want to be here for you, as your soulmate. We’re supposed to lean on each other, not shut each other out.”_ _

__“I know,” he agrees. “I’m just not very good at...leaning on someone else. I’m trying, it’s a trial and error process, I guess.”_ _

__Magnus smiles, understanding. “It is for me, too. I’ve had partners, but having a soulmate...it’s very different. It’s almost overwhelming, sometimes.”_ _

__Alec nods. Sometimes he feels like he’s going to explode with the intensity of what he feels for Magnus, the way every touch and glance makes him come alive is almost addicting. He wonders how he thought possible to live without it._ _

__“I’m glad I found you.” He whispers. Those words, they’re huge to Alec, who has spent the past twenty-three years of his life terrified of meeting his soulmate. This thing between them, it’s new, but it’s also special. Alec has never had anything like it in his life. This feeling of home, of peace._ _

__He knows it’s going to be hard. Between Jace and his family, the Clave, the prejudices they both are going to face, it’s not going to always be smooth. But Alec is willing to make the effort, he wants to make this work. For Magnus, he knows it’s worth it._ _

__There are so many things out there they have to face, they have a whole world of issues to go back to, but right now they’re in their bubble, and Alec thinks it’s okay. It’s okay to let himself have this, these few moments of quiet._ _

__“And I, you.” Magnus’ face is so open and beautiful that Alec can’t help but lean forward and kiss him. He’s met with soft lips that part immediately under his, the taste of Magnus’ mouth making him dizzy. His hands settle on Magnus’ neck, pulling him closer, while Magnus holds his waist._ _

__Their kiss is slow and tender, it feels like a reassurance, a promise. Alec wishes he could stay like this, bask in this feeling forever. He hopes he gets to have this for a long time. Somehow, he knows he will. What he has with Magnus is intense and deep, it’s something that’s going to last. These past few weeks have been the foundation, the start of something more. The beginning of a path of acceptance and love._ _

__They’re new, but they’re strong. They both care deeply for each other, and they’re willing to fight to hold on to what they have. They’ve suffered and fought, they came out of it on the other side and found each other. They’re not going to give up this happiness, because they’ve been through too much to get to this point. Alec is sure of it. He knows Magnus feels the same way._ _

__They eventually stop kissing, but they don’t let go of each other. Magnus holds Alec tighter, their foreheads touching. Alec opens his eyes and he’s lost in the deep brown of Magnus’ gaze._ _

__“It’s going to be okay, angel.” Magnus whispers._ _

__Alec believes him._ _

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are very appreciated! I apologize for any mistakes, but this wasn't beta'd and English isn't my first language.


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